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Hard Reset: Designing the Life I Deserve & Desire
Life has been truly life’n. I mean life’n AF!!! But I’m still here.
Since October 2021, I got fired from a job, caught COVID for the second time, got into a car accident where I was hit head on by a police officer, had to get that car repossessed, quit a job, & am in the process of filing bankruptcy —AGAIN!!!
I am a firm believer that nothing happens by accident & that there is something to be learned from every transaction, encounter, episode, incident, etc.
You ever heard that saying ART IMITATES LIFE? Everyone has a story. And, to me, our life is a story, played out in scenes, acts, plots, climactic events. In movies there’s a beginning, a middle, & an end. The same goes for life, where WE are the heroes of OUR story.
Like the heroes in films, there is something that (s)he must learn NOW! She received little nudges & hints before but she blew em off. They start off subtle, maybe a whisper. But after being ignored for so long, those nudges turn into shoves, or a head-on collision with a police officer (who admittedly was at fault).
I wanna say that I have been living in survival mode since I had my first daughter at 18 years old but, honestly, it started way before then. It started before I was born. While I was in my mother’s womb.
All of the stress & the struggling & the anxiety that my mom was experiencing that caused her to give birth to me FOUR MONTHS EARLY was passed on to me. I wonder how much more different my life would be had I been born a Virgo or a Libra.
I remember when I was 10 years old & my grandmother called me a Worry Wart. Like, wtf was I worrying about at that age? That worry would turn into anxiety & doing things out of fear & scarcity &…because everyone else was “doing it.”
I got my very first car when I was 19 years old. A brand new car. A 1995 Ford Aspire. No one gave it to me. I got it for myself after having worked 90 days at my first government job with the City of Detroit. I thought I was balling back then but, according to my journal entries (which I go back to read every now & then), I was making like $9 an hour.
I was living with my grandmother (thankfully) & not paying any rent because, who the hell can live off of that with a child?
I would continue on to get new cars every couple of years well into my thirties. By this time my credit was shot because I never learned how to properly manage money. I was emulating my grandma, who leased a car every 2 years. I mean, I ain’t know.
Instead of robbing Peter to pay Paul, I was robbing bofe of them mofos. I had a child to take care of. I had a job to get to. I had bills to pay. I don’t have time to think about dreams & budgets. I had to get it the best way I could.
2018 was the first time I had to get a used car. My other one had gotten repossessed so I had to get whatever I could, which was a 2007 Chrysler Sebring. The car was already 11 years old when I got it & gave me trouble almost immediately.
To date, the starter & the transmission was replaced (which was covered under warranty, thankfully) but what wasn’t covered under warranty was the HEAT. I got the car in February 2018, in MICHIGAN. The heat went out a few months later and still isn’t fixed— it’s August 2022.
I took it to 3 different mechanics/car shops to get it fixed. No one was able to figure out whyyyyyy the heat didn’t work. They all flushed it, which provided a temporary fix for the driver’s side but no relief on the passenger side, where my teenage daughter sits.
After 3 1/2 years of no relief, I refused to go another winter in Michigan driving a car with no heat. So, my fear, anxiety, & guilt kicked in & I went on a quest to get another vehicle.
I got rejected at the first dealership so I went to another & was approved. The gag was they refused to accept my 2007 as a trade in.
So, I was faced with a dilemma. What tf am I supposed to do with the old car? I NEEDED a new car. Uggghhhhh!!!
I got the new car & reached out to a couple of friends/family who I knew didn’t have a vehicle & offered them the option to lease my old car. WIN WIN!!!
All was good until my cousin started falling behind on the payments & I had to pay for BOTH CAR NOTES.
I couldn’t see it then, but this was truly a blessing in disguise. A true example of how everything is working for our good even when it doesn’t look like it.
When I got into the accident, I needed O ye faithful (the 2007 Chrysler Sebring) because, since my car insurance had lapsed, I didn’t qualify to get a rental car, unless I wanted to pay out of pocket. My cousin defaulting on the payments allowed me to take the car back, rightfully so.
Months prior to the accident, I had been getting subtle messages. Little whispers saying that I was overwhelmed, I was living way beyond my means, I can’t afford this car, I can’t afford to get to the job or put gas in the car…on & on. On top of that, I was nervous about driving the car with no insurance, which was a first for me. Remember when I said life has been life’n, right? I wasn’t bullshitting.
The crash was a blessing! It thrusted me into the Dark Night of the Soul which, in films, is the part of the story when the hero hits rock bottom. She feels like all is lost. Like there’s nothing left. Nowhere to go. No light at the end of the tunnel. No forest from the trees. But that couldn’t be any further from the truth.
I am on a new journey. I am building the life I WANT! Not by society’s standards or my momma’s standards or the culture’s standards. I am knocking all this shit over & disrupting patterns, systems, & old ways of thinking. Really starting from scratch & I couldn’t be more excited.
I will be focusing on the 8 areas of life:
- Lifestyle & Fun
- Health & Wellness
- Family & Friends
- Love & Romance
- Personal Growth
- Spiritual Development
If you wanna follow me on this journey, reply to this post or email me at: email@example.com with the subject HARD RESET.
Are you living the life you desire & deserve? Let me know.
Until next time…
Release the Journals – New Healing Series on YouTube
So…I did a thing. 5 yrs ago, a friend of mine suggested I release my journals. At the time, I couldn’t see the vision. Although I’m an open book (for the most part), I couldn’t see myself being that vulnerable.
Towards the end of last year, that same friend suggested it again & I was like 🤔 “this sounds familiar.”😂 I went through my notes & saw where I had started jotting down notes for the project in 2016, still unclear on which direction to go with it.
When I went to bed the night of December 31st, 2021, I woke up the next day with the entire vision. I scrawled everything down as fast as I could so that I wouldn’t forget, & then went back and created an outline & templates 😮
Release the Journals is my new series where I share an entry from my journals over the years as a means of reflection, connection, healing, & growth.
Please like, share, comment, & subscribe. Thank yooouuuu 😘💜
The Happy Man At the Gas Station| #Day13of100
It was 7 a.m. & I stopped at the gas station before dropping my daughter off at school. As I was walking inside, a man, who wasn’t looking where he was going, almost bumped into me. He looked my way just in the nick of time & let out an apologetic, “I’m sorry. Excuse me.”
When I walked out of the gas station, he was already at his car pumping gas. He saw me & was like, “Heeeeyyyyy. Good morning to you,” in a very happy, jovial tone. I couldn’t help but to match his mood.
So, I said “Good morning to you, tooooo!” He went on to tell me how a good morning it was. He said that he is blessed to be spending the morning with his child because for 26 years, 10 months, & 4 days he wasn’t able to. He had just gotten out last week after being wrongfully imprisoned. I was like…
I told him congratulations & to enjoy not only the rest of the day but also the REST OF HIS LIFE!
So, I say to you, be grateful. Live in the moment. Smile at the gas pump. Because we don’t know when it’s going to be taken from us.
Until next time…
Human Design: Blueprint of Your Life | #Day12of100
Almost two months ago, I ordered a Human Design Blueprint from a young woman I’ve been following on Instagram for a few years. Her posts & stories really resonate with me, so I felt compelled to have a reading done.
I truly believe that the greatest education one could get is learning/studying thyself. Once you know who you are everything falls into place. You understand why certain situations & relationships didn’t work out, & also how the things that we deem failures or setbacks were actually working in our favor.
I talk on this blog a lot about personal growth & have been documenting such since about 2013. I started off with my Address Not Suppress series on YouTube where I just shared how I was coping with my recent divorce while simultaneously learning who I am as a person.
Back in 2010, early in my writing journey, I met a woman name Kai Mann. We were both at a writing workshop in Detroit, MI. We started talking, exchanged numbers & social media handles, & have been cool ever since.
At that time, neither of us were published authors but aspired to be. Because we couldn’t find any one to mentor us, we became each other’s mentors, pushing each other to accomplish whatever goals we would set. In a year’s time, we both became published authors.
Kai, like myself, is also a huge proponent of self awareness & personal growth. When I met her, she affectionately referred to herself as Kaiology, which we know the suffix ‘ology’ means a field of study; hence the study of KAI.
Fast forward ten years later & she’s turned everything she’s learned over the years into a thriving business. A hub to help people find alignment, find themselves.
Though I had already gotten a Blueprint of my life, I intend to have another one done by Kai. We’ve spent countless hours over the last ten years talking, hanging out, connecting, collabing, etc. And one thing’s for certain: There’s always more to learn. We’re forever students.
If you’re stuck, need some guidance, or a nudge, or some clarity, go to Lifestrology today. You’ll be happy you did.
Hypervigilance: What it is & how it has affected my life| #Day16of100
In 2019, I was close to having a nervous breakdown. I was having minor but persistent health issues while working at a job that I absolutely hated, which was only adding insult to injury.
From 2017 to 2019, I was suspended 3 times, ranging from 1 to 5 days without pay. In all of my life, I had never, ever been suspended from a job. The first suspension happened during the third year with the company. By that time, I had started noticing unfair treatment & incompetencies on behalf of management & became vocal about it.
There were a gazillion managers & supervisors, which was totally unnecessary but anyway, & I happened to be cool with one of them. She was recently promoted &, in hindsight, had a difficult time making the transition. What I mean by that is, there was not a clear distinction between the now esteemed position & her previous one.
There was no line drawn in the sand. She still continued operating in the gossiping manner as she had before. She talked down on all of the other managers & made all of her “friends” feel as though she was on our sides. But that was far from the truth.
There was one supervisor who barely got along with anyone. She blatantly gave me some misinformation &, when called out on it, lied about it. I went to my friend, a.k.a. My New Supervisor, & told her my frustration while simultaneously calling the other supervisor an “incompetent ass.” She & I were standing off to the side & away from the public & other coworkers & not within earshot of ANYONE. The next thing I knew, I was getting called into the office by the higher ups.
I was told that I was insubordinate & I couldn’t figure out why the fuck how.
She went & told management on me but guised it as me being overheard by a higher up/superior who was “walking by.”
It was explained to me that during my conversation with my friend/supervisor that prior to my calling the other supervisor an incompetent ass, my friend/supervisor cautioned me not to say anything wrong or out the way when she sensed my anger escalating. Now, that part was true. We had been friends for 3 years by that time. She knew me. However, in my eyes, she was my friend & had been. So, I felt I could express how I felt because that’s what I’d always done. I was wrong.
Needless to say, our friendship was compromised after that, & I would encounter several run-ins & issues with her & management that led to more suspensions, write-ups, oral reprimands, union visits, & excessive FMLA use.
It was during a session in 2019 when my therapist told me that I was hypervigilant. Never hearing that word before, I immediately googled it…& agreed.
Hypervigilance is closely related to anxiety. It’s due to trauma – think PTSD. She said that I was on high alert, distrusting. Super sensitive to my surroundings, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because, by this time, I was displaying health issues that seemed correlated to the job. I would get headaches & feel sick to my stomach as soon as I walked through the door. My mood was unpleasant. I no longer laughed & smiled with coworkers. I was an unhappy mess.
Now that I’ve left that job & am much happier, I noticed that I struggle with anxiety, period. In every day life. In relationships, romantic & otherwise. What has helped me is the Personal Development School. If you’re struggling with relationships in any area check out their website. I’m not an affiliate or anything, just an advocate for personal growth & wellness.
Have you been seeing all of those red flag 🚩 posts? | #Day18of100
I swear. The internet is hella funny. It stay entertaining me. While some things in deez internet streets are super ridiculous, others do be having some validity to them.
The reason I chose to talk about red flags is because I’m that one who ignored tf outta them for yeeaaarrrsssss. Not only in my romantic relationships, but in all areas of my life: jobs, friendships, etc.
I saw signs of gossiping & backbiting very early on at the one job I ultimately ended up quitting because I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. And even with one of me exes, I witnessed within one week of us seeing each other the biggest flag of them all (emotional immaturity) & chose to ignore it.
I started talking to him a week before Thanksgiving. One week. We made plans to see each other after we spent time with our families & yada yada blah blah blah. Well, something came up on my end, because that’s life. My ex-husband & I alternate weeks with our daughter, & he usually keeps her on Thanksgiving but this time he couldn’t. No biggie.
I relay this info to the new guy via text like, hey, something came up. Can I get a rain check for tomorrow? I don’t get a response. Ok. Cool. I don’t think nothing of it at first. After a few hours of not hearing back from him I called. It went straight to voicemail.
The next day he responded by saying he didn’t appreciate me canceling the plans but it’s all good though he ain’t gon’ trip & blah blah blah. After ONE WEEK!!!
That fling lasted 8 months & was hands down the worst relationship I’d ever been in. Turns out, what I thought was a simple powering off of the phone or the battery dying was actually him BLOCKING ME! Yup. That’s right. One week into us dating, talking or whatever you wanna call it, he BLOCKED ME. And he would continue to do this throughout our relationship whenever he’d get mad or catch an attitude. Fucking sensitive ass Cancer man who did not know how to properly regulate his emotions.
We choose not to see certain things because then we’d have to do the grown up thing & take accountability. You know, that whole “do the best you can until you know better & when you know better DO BETTER” quote by Maya Angelou? Yeah.
That’s why, now, when shit goes left, I don’t really trip about it anymore because, 10 times outta 10, the signs were there all along.
As I heal & grow, I’m learning to honor myself & my needs. Being super mindful about what I require & what/who I attract. Making sure that I’m able to meet my own needs FIRST before asking or expecting or requiring that from someone else. That way I don’t betray, neglect, abandon myself by ignoring the red flags for the sake of connection, love or *fill in the blank*
Until next time…
Pivoting After A Major Blow in my Business | #Day17of100
This is my first time talking about this publicly. For months, it was too painful to even think about let alone talk about. The reason why it was so hard was because I knew it wasn’t anybody else’s fault but my own. I couldn’t point the finger, no matter how much I tried to. I betrayed myself. And that was a tough pill to swallow.
We all wake up one day & ask: WHO THE HELL AM I? WHY AM I HERE? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?
The earliest I can remember asking myself these questions was around 2004. I was 29 years old & working as an Executive Secretary on a contracted assignment through the State of Michigan. I worked in the training department of the HIV/AIDS Prevention & Intervention Section. Pretty decent job for a single mom with a high school diploma.
I was treated lovely. Had my own cubicle with a weighted, marble name plate. I could take breaks as many times as I wanted, long as my work was done. I got along with all of my coworkers (which was about, maybe, 25 people). Sometimes, I got to sit in & watch the trainers do their thang. It was a wonderful experience. But then something happened.
I started asking myself did I really want to be a secretary for the rest of my life? Because the only reason why I decided to become one in the first place was because I admired my mom’s typing skills when I was a kid. And, in my little kid’s mind, I thought that being a Secretary was the only job I could get where I could type fast, like my momma. The way she would hit those keys without looking at em was mesmerizing.
Almost 20 years later & I’m still going down the rabbit hole of WHY AM I HERE? Turns out, the answer is not always so straightforward or simple. Luckily though, I’ve finally figured out my why (which I will share in an upcoming post) & it doesn’t involve being a Ghostwriter, which so many folks seem to think. This is where the story begins…
Because I’m passionate about writing, the art of storytelling, & folks using their voice to share their stories, I (and a bunch of other people) thought it’d be a good idea for me to help write folks’ stories. What a bad idea.
September 2020, when the opportunity presented itself, I’d already self-published 3 books, made 2 short films, & written a whole lot of blog posts. So, I figured hey, why not? I can do this. I got this.
As I’ve been mastering me & all of my intricacies, I came across Human Design —which I talk about A LOT — & discovered that we all have a certain energy type & a specific way to use & engage our energy. Knowing & applying these are life-changing.
I am designed to do things that light me up. Bring me joy. Make me happy. Not do things out of lack, survival mode, desperation…pretty much how I’ve been operating all of my life, watching my mom struggle & then me turning around internalizing that struggle, becoming a teen mom & perpetuating that struggle.
By this time, I knew better though. I knew that I am only to take on projects that feel good to me, to my spirit. My mind was on board but my intuition was like DON’T DO IT! But, I didn’t listen. My gut (my decision-making tool along with my emotional authority) was unsettled.
Our bodies are a messaging system. It communicates to us everything we need to know about ourselves, about our lives. Things we should pay attention to.
Frequent headaches are telling us that maybe our blood pressure is too high, or that we need glasses, or that we need to relax & not stress out. That burning sensation you feel in your belly after being presented with an idea or a proposition or an opportunity is trying to tell you something.
I agreed to ghostwrite this person’s memoir. After having a conversation via chat & following that up with a Zoom meeting, I felt she had a great story to share. And since I’m passionate about folks sharing their stories, I wanted to help.
I draw up a contract. She pays in full. We’re good to go. I work on her memoir for several months, present the first draft…& she hates it!
Not only does she hate it, she asks for her money back for the other project she had paid for but I had yet to start on.
I was supposed to write her memoir along with a screenplay. But because she was displeased with the FIRST DRAFT I presented, she did not want me to proceed with the screenplay. So, while she did not want her money back for the time I spent on the memoir, she did want the money back for the screenplay, which was a pretty penny & hurt my pockets exponentially!!!
We all know that first drafts are crappy. So, my argument was that all creative works go through several rounds of drafts before the final product is reached. She admitted that she’s seen my work & was pleased with it, but feels I was doing hers a disservice. While I believe I just hadn’t gotten the chance to polish her work. It was the FIRST DRAFT!
I told her my stance. She threatened to take me to court, presented me with a screenshot of the summons & everythang. That’s when I bowed out, gracefully, by deciding to just give her her money back. Thousands of it.
When we know who we are & why we’re here, we tend to make choices that are in alignment with that. And when we don’t, there’s a price to pay.
(B)Lesson: This taught me to listen to my gut, my body, my intuition, my environment. Trust that the Universe got me & that there’s no lack. Everything is working for my good!
That situation needed to happen to show me that I am not a ghostwriter. I am passionate about folks sharing their stories, but I AM NOT the person to do that for them. I am a connector. I have resources. I am the plug. That’s who I am.
Who are you? Why are you here?
Until next time…
Sapiosexual | #Day15of100
In one of my earlier posts (which you can read here), I talked about being bored out of my gat damn mind & how I crave mental stimulation.
I mean, I do a pretty good job entertaining myself & meeting my 6 Basic Human Needs but…shit! As humans, we are hardwired for connection & interaction. So, while it’s a good thing to be able to show up for yourself & supply your needs, getting those things from a human is quite beneficial.
For me, I find intelligence hella attractive. Someone I can spend hours conversating (I know that’s not a word) with makes my insides all giddy.
Shortly after my previous post, the one I linked to above, my boredom ceased. On October 1st, I went to my class reunion. Actually, it was an all-class reunion. Let me tell you. I had the bestest time ever!!!
I was sitting at the bar when he sat next to me & struck up a convo. It was just small talk then, nothing major. Asked me what I was sipping on. I told him. I asked him what he was sipping on. He told me…then asked if I wanted to try some.
The “bar” (yes in air quotes) is a B.Y.O.B. establishment, which is so oxymoronic to me but I digress. I am not a big drinker at all & am a low key lightweight. So, I’m good with a glass of wine, which is what I was drinking that night.
He was drinking Tequila &, according to him, it wasn’t the nasty kind like Cuervo & could be drank on the rocks with no chaser. I allowed him to pour a little bit into my tumbler, but not before giving him the disclaimer of what my behavior used to be like back in my hey day…
We parted ways that night. He inboxed me to see if I made it home safely…and we’ve been chatting it up ever since.
It is said that whatever we want we must speak it into existence & once we do, the Universe will conspire to make sure that it is so. I am enjoying the moment & what it has to offer…while simultaneously ensuring that my needs are met.
Until next time…