About a year or so ago, I really started noticing something was off when it came to me and romantic relationships. Before that, I thought I was unlucky af and just was not cut out for the foolery, not knowing that I was bringing the bulk of the foolishness. But not intentionally though.
The thing with patterns and cycles they’re so regular that they become second nature. We can perform them with our eyes closed. What I was doing for a long time, as far back as 19 years old or maybe even sooner, was making it my duty to keep folks out. I was a walking DO NOT ENTER and NO TRESPASSING sign.
I was almost 40 years old when I looked at my track record of broken relationships. I had to get real honest with the woman in the mirror, the common denominator…ME. Now, don’t get it twisted, what I will not do is take the blame for those who were on some bullshit. I’m strictly referring to the ones who genuinely cared for me, but I did not have the mental capacity to receive it. Here’s why…
I have a fear of intimacy, which stems from me having abandonment issues. There you have it!
Aside from my father not being active in my life, my mom was somewhat absent, too. She provided me with food and shelter, made sure I had clothes on my back and shoes on my feet. But emotionally, she was unavailable. I don’t recall ever engaging in conversation with her growing up. Not once. She was not mentally present. There was maybe a hello when I got home from school but that was it.
Now that I’m an adult with kids, I get it. I have since forgiven her (Rest peacefully Ma). She was going through her own shit, trying to sort things out. Dealing (and not dealing) with childhood trauma. So, I get it. I think she believed that as long as she provided me with the basic needs (not knowing that emotional stability is an essential need), I’d be good…but I wasn’t. And not for a long time.
Since my foundation for emotional connections was damaged, I went on to live a reckless life of promiscuity. Sex was my drug. I learned quickly to compartmentalize sex & intimacy, which, sadly, led to me breaking many hearts. I’m not proud of that, by the way. It was only a matter of time that when things were going good, I’d bust that up expeditiously (In my Morgan Freeman as Joe Clark in Lean On Me voice). No one ever broke up with me because I didn’t give them a chance to.
So what happened was, I labeled myself a commitment-phobe and began attracting “abandoners,” a.k.a., folks who are (emotionally) unavailable #RecreatingThePattern.
For years, I indulged in situationships with married men (abandoners). It was perfect (sarcasm). I was not interested in a relationship anyway because I was a commitment-phobe so I could get what I wanted without the hassle of being tied down and having to announce my whereabouts and gain permission to go places. You know…that confinement that happens when you’re in a relationship? I ain’t got time for that. Well…that’s the lie I told myself for most of my grown life.
After a while, this became a very lonely life. I have more to offer than just “hooking up.” All I had were a collection of superficial encounters. I kept saying I wanted love, but simultaneously kept pushing it away. Something was blocking me from believing I deserve it.
I made a video over a year ago about energy and what I’m emitting into the universe. I was close to the answer then. Now, I’m there. I’ve been crying out for help for a while now. When it fell on deaf ears, I resorted back to my old ways, which we often do because it’s familiar. But I’m responsible for making changes, no one else. If I want something different, I must do something different.
I’ve been reflecting and doing some research. What I learned is that my heart was closed. I come off as shy & reserved, but the truth is, I’m really difficult to get to know because I don’t open up (emotionally) easily. This is by design, of course. Because people have mishandled me. Thus, I was afraid to let anyone in.
As I get older, I long for that feeling of true love. Love without conditions. Romantic love. This time, I will open my heart…and trust. Because now, I believe in the possibility.
Phette Hollins 