Up until very recently, I used to think that dreams were these random, oftentimes crazy happenings. Because, what could it possibly mean, besides nothing at all, to dream that all of your teeth are falling out? Or that you’re suspended in air, floating about in a parking lot? Or that you’re being chased by monsters one minute & at a picnic the next? According to Jenn Tomomitsu, PhD, our dreams are trying to communicate with us, for real.
I began keeping a dream journal back in 2014 because I probably read somewhere that I should. And as I did, I would go back & read the entries here & there & started noticing some patterns.
A large majority of my dreams appear to be centered on the theme of LOVE, wanting it, needing it. They usually come in the form of me being showered with affection by a big, faceless man. It is not the same man in each of the dreams, but the man is always tall & thick, solid, teddy bear-ish.
Courtesy of getty images
We’re usually out in public, around lots of people, & he’s standing closely behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist. Proud. After having this somewhat similar dream numerous times, I said to myself that there had to be a reason.
Going back to the previous quote from Jenn Tomomitsu (you can read her article here), if our dreams are mirror images reflecting back unresolved ish in our regular lives, then it makes all the sense in the world.
I’ve been in & out of & have had many failed relationships. I’m using the word “failed” very loosely because I wholeheartedly believe that everything happens for a reason & that everything is a blessing & a lesson. So, with that being said, I don’t necessarily see those relationships that didn’t last as a bad thing.
For years I told myself that I didn’t want to be committed to anyone & that I just wanted to be free, play the field, have friends, yada yada yada. But after years of therapy, turns out that I was coming from a place of fear. It was a defense mechanism. Armor. I was behaving this way because of trauma & the attachment style I adapted early on in life.
If you’re not familiar with attachment styles, I encourage everyone to check out the Personal Development School on YouTube. In a nutshell, we acquire these attachment styles based on the way our caregivers handled (or didn’t handle) our emotional needs growing up. Many of us are born with an insecure attachment style, which filters how we show up in our adult lives & relationships.
For instance, I used to be Fearful Avoidant with some Dismissive Avoidant traits. Again, watch the PDS YouTube for in-depth explanations. I grew up with my emotional needs being completely neglected. I was yelled at if I accidentally tripped & fell, which I did a lot. I was hella pigeon-toed as a kid & had to wear corrective braces on my feet. I blame it on that.
In addition to that, I was ignored. My mom had her own shit going on, apparently. She could not be bothered with an inquisitive, bored only child. I could stand directly in front of her face calling her name & she’d look right through me. This caused me to have a grave mistrust in anyone being able to hold space for my emotions.
So, while I have an immense desire for intimacy & closeness, I have an equally immense distrust in folks. This has caused a push-pull dynamic in my relationships all of my life. I bring people close while simultaneously pushing them away.
Meanwhile, since I was out here in my regular life acting like I didn’t want love & closeness & commitment, my dreams were on that Maury Povich tip…
So, what are your dreams trying to tell you? Don’t think you can sweep them under the rug or dismiss them as crazy. Naw. Get familiar with how to read them symbolically. Have fun interpreting.
Until next time…
Phette Hollins 