This is my first time talking about this publicly. For months, it was too painful to even think about let alone talk about. The reason why it was so hard was because I knew it wasn’t anybody else’s fault but my own. I couldn’t point the finger, no matter how much I tried to. I betrayed myself. And that was a tough pill to swallow.
We all wake up one day & ask: WHO THE HELL AM I? WHY AM I HERE? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?
The earliest I can remember asking myself these questions was around 2004. I was 29 years old & working as an Executive Secretary on a contracted assignment through the State of Michigan. I worked in the training department of the HIV/AIDS Prevention & Intervention Section. Pretty decent job for a single mom with a high school diploma.
I was treated lovely. Had my own cubicle with a weighted, marble name plate. I could take breaks as many times as I wanted, long as my work was done. I got along with all of my coworkers (which was about, maybe, 25 people). Sometimes, I got to sit in & watch the trainers do their thang. It was a wonderful experience. But then something happened.
I started asking myself did I really want to be a secretary for the rest of my life? Because the only reason why I decided to become one in the first place was because I admired my mom’s typing skills when I was a kid. And, in my little kid’s mind, I thought that being a Secretary was the only job I could get where I could type fast, like my momma. The way she would hit those keys without looking at em was mesmerizing.
Almost 20 years later & I’m still going down the rabbit hole of WHY AM I HERE? Turns out, the answer is not always so straightforward or simple. Luckily though, I’ve finally figured out my why (which I will share in an upcoming post) & it doesn’t involve being a Ghostwriter, which so many folks seem to think. This is where the story begins…
Because I’m passionate about writing, the art of storytelling, & folks using their voice to share their stories, I (and a bunch of other people) thought it’d be a good idea for me to help write folks’ stories. What a bad idea.
September 2020, when the opportunity presented itself, I’d already self-published 3 books, made 2 short films, & written a whole lot of blog posts. So, I figured hey, why not? I can do this. I got this.
As I’ve been mastering me & all of my intricacies, I came across Human Design —which I talk about A LOT — & discovered that we all have a certain energy type & a specific way to use & engage our energy. Knowing & applying these are life-changing.
I am designed to do things that light me up. Bring me joy. Make me happy. Not do things out of lack, survival mode, desperation…pretty much how I’ve been operating all of my life, watching my mom struggle & then me turning around internalizing that struggle, becoming a teen mom & perpetuating that struggle.
By this time, I knew better though. I knew that I am only to take on projects that feel good to me, to my spirit. My mind was on board but my intuition was like DON’T DO IT! But, I didn’t listen. My gut (my decision-making tool along with my emotional authority) was unsettled.
Our bodies are a messaging system. It communicates to us everything we need to know about ourselves, about our lives. Things we should pay attention to.
Frequent headaches are telling us that maybe our blood pressure is too high, or that we need glasses, or that we need to relax & not stress out. That burning sensation you feel in your belly after being presented with an idea or a proposition or an opportunity is trying to tell you something.
I agreed to ghostwrite this person’s memoir. After having a conversation via chat & following that up with a Zoom meeting, I felt she had a great story to share. And since I’m passionate about folks sharing their stories, I wanted to help.
I draw up a contract. She pays in full. We’re good to go. I work on her memoir for several months, present the first draft…& she hates it!
Not only does she hate it, she asks for her money back for the other project she had paid for but I had yet to start on.
I was supposed to write her memoir along with a screenplay. But because she was displeased with the FIRST DRAFT I presented, she did not want me to proceed with the screenplay. So, while she did not want her money back for the time I spent on the memoir, she did want the money back for the screenplay, which was a pretty penny & hurt my pockets exponentially!!!
We all know that first drafts are crappy. So, my argument was that all creative works go through several rounds of drafts before the final product is reached. She admitted that she’s seen my work & was pleased with it, but feels I was doing hers a disservice. While I believe I just hadn’t gotten the chance to polish her work. It was the FIRST DRAFT!
I told her my stance. She threatened to take me to court, presented me with a screenshot of the summons & everythang. That’s when I bowed out, gracefully, by deciding to just give her her money back. Thousands of it.
When we know who we are & why we’re here, we tend to make choices that are in alignment with that. And when we don’t, there’s a price to pay.
(B)Lesson: This taught me to listen to my gut, my body, my intuition, my environment. Trust that the Universe got me & that there’s no lack. Everything is working for my good!
That situation needed to happen to show me that I am not a ghostwriter. I am passionate about folks sharing their stories, but I AM NOT the person to do that for them. I am a connector. I have resources. I am the plug. That’s who I am.
Who are you? Why are you here?
Until next time…
Phette Hollins 