It was 7 a.m. & I stopped at the gas station before dropping my daughter off at school. As I was walking inside, a man, who wasn’t looking where he was going, almost bumped into me. He looked my way just in the nick of time & let out an apologetic, “I’m sorry. Excuse me.”
When I walked out of the gas station, he was already at his car pumping gas. He saw me & was like, “Heeeeyyyyy. Good morning to you,” in a very happy, jovial tone. I couldn’t help but to match his mood.
So, I said “Good morning to you, tooooo!” He went on to tell me how a good morning it was. He said that he is blessed to be spending the morning with his child because for 26 years, 10 months, & 4 days he wasn’t able to. He had just gotten out last week after being wrongfully imprisoned. I was like…
I told him congratulations & to enjoy not only the rest of the day but also the REST OF HIS LIFE!
So, I say to you, be grateful. Live in the moment. Smile at the gas pump. Because we don’t know when it’s going to be taken from us.
Almost two months ago, I ordered a Human Design Blueprint from a young woman I’ve been following on Instagram for a few years. Her posts & stories really resonate with me, so I felt compelled to have a reading done.
I truly believe that the greatest education one could get is learning/studying thyself. Once you know who you are everything falls into place. You understand why certain situations & relationships didn’t work out, & also how the things that we deem failures or setbacks were actually working in our favor.
I talk on this blog a lot about personal growth & have been documenting such since about 2013. I started off with my Address Not Suppress series on YouTube where I just shared how I was coping with my recent divorce while simultaneously learning who I am as a person.
Back in 2010, early in my writing journey, I met a woman name Kai Mann. We were both at a writing workshop in Detroit, MI. We started talking, exchanged numbers & social media handles, & have been cool ever since.
At that time, neither of us were published authors but aspired to be. Because we couldn’t find any one to mentor us, we became each other’s mentors, pushing each other to accomplish whatever goals we would set. In a year’s time, we both became published authors.
Kai, like myself, is also a huge proponent of self awareness & personal growth. When I met her, she affectionately referred to herself as Kaiology, which we know the suffix ‘ology’ means a field of study; hence the study of KAI.
Fast forward ten years later & she’s turned everything she’s learned over the years into a thriving business. A hub to help people find alignment, find themselves.
Though I had already gotten a Blueprint of my life, I intend to have another one done by Kai. We’ve spent countless hours over the last ten years talking, hanging out, connecting, collabing, etc. And one thing’s for certain: There’s always more to learn. We’re forever students.
If you’re stuck, need some guidance, or a nudge, or some clarity, go to Lifestrology today. You’ll be happy you did.
In 2019, I was close to having a nervous breakdown. I was having minor but persistent health issues while working at a job that I absolutely hated, which was only adding insult to injury.
From 2017 to 2019, I was suspended 3 times, ranging from 1 to 5 days without pay. In all of my life, I had never, ever been suspended from a job. The first suspension happened during the third year with the company. By that time, I had started noticing unfair treatment & incompetencies on behalf of management & became vocal about it.
There were a gazillion managers & supervisors, which was totally unnecessary but anyway, & I happened to be cool with one of them. She was recently promoted &, in hindsight, had a difficult time making the transition. What I mean by that is, there was not a clear distinction between the now esteemed position & her previous one.
There was no line drawn in the sand. She still continued operating in the gossiping manner as she had before. She talked down on all of the other managers & made all of her “friends” feel as though she was on our sides. But that was far from the truth.
There was one supervisor who barely got along with anyone. She blatantly gave me some misinformation &, when called out on it, lied about it. I went to my friend, a.k.a. My New Supervisor, & told her my frustration while simultaneously calling the other supervisor an “incompetent ass.” She & I were standing off to the side & away from the public & other coworkers & not within earshot of ANYONE. The next thing I knew, I was getting called into the office by the higher ups.
I was told that I was insubordinate & I couldn’t figure out why the fuck how.
She went & told management on me but guised it as me being overheard by a higher up/superior who was “walking by.”
It was explained to me that during my conversation with my friend/supervisor that prior to my calling the other supervisor an incompetent ass, my friend/supervisor cautioned me not to say anything wrong or out the way when she sensed my anger escalating. Now, that part was true. We had been friends for 3 years by that time. She knew me. However, in my eyes, she was my friend & had been. So, I felt I could express how I felt because that’s what I’d always done. I was wrong.
Needless to say, our friendship was compromised after that, & I would encounter several run-ins & issues with her & management that led to more suspensions, write-ups, oral reprimands, union visits, & excessive FMLA use.
It was during a session in 2019 when my therapist told me that I was hypervigilant. Never hearing that word before, I immediately googled it…& agreed.
Hypervigilance is closely related to anxiety. It’s due to trauma – think PTSD. She said that I was on high alert, distrusting. Super sensitive to my surroundings, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because, by this time, I was displaying health issues that seemed correlated to the job. I would get headaches & feel sick to my stomach as soon as I walked through the door. My mood was unpleasant. I no longer laughed & smiled with coworkers. I was an unhappy mess.
Now that I’ve left that job & am much happier, I noticed that I struggle with anxiety, period. In every day life. In relationships, romantic & otherwise. What has helped me is the Personal Development School. If you’re struggling with relationships in any area check out their website. I’m not an affiliate or anything, just an advocate for personal growth & wellness.
I swear. The internet is hella funny. It stay entertaining me. While some things in deez internet streets are super ridiculous, others do be having some validity to them.
The reason I chose to talk about red flags is because I’m that one who ignored tf outta them for yeeaaarrrsssss. Not only in my romantic relationships, but in all areas of my life: jobs, friendships, etc.
I saw signs of gossiping & backbiting very early on at the one job I ultimately ended up quitting because I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. And even with one of me exes, I witnessed within one week of us seeing each other the biggest flag of them all (emotional immaturity) & chose to ignore it.
I started talking to him a week before Thanksgiving. One week. We made plans to see each other after we spent time with our families & yada yada blah blah blah. Well, something came up on my end, because that’s life. My ex-husband & I alternate weeks with our daughter, & he usually keeps her on Thanksgiving but this time he couldn’t. No biggie.
I relay this info to the new guy via text like, hey, something came up. Can I get a rain check for tomorrow? I don’t get a response. Ok. Cool. I don’t think nothing of it at first. After a few hours of not hearing back from him I called. It went straight to voicemail.
The next day he responded by saying he didn’t appreciate me canceling the plans but it’s all good though he ain’t gon’ trip & blah blah blah. After ONE WEEK!!!
That fling lasted 8 months & was hands down the worst relationship I’d ever been in. Turns out, what I thought was a simple powering off of the phone or the battery dying was actually him BLOCKING ME! Yup. That’s right. One week into us dating, talking or whatever you wanna call it, he BLOCKED ME. And he would continue to do this throughout our relationship whenever he’d get mad or catch an attitude. Fucking sensitive ass Cancer man who did not know how to properly regulate his emotions.
We choose not to see certain things because then we’d have to do the grown up thing & take accountability. You know, that whole “do the best you can until you know better & when you know better DO BETTER” quote by Maya Angelou? Yeah.
That’s why, now, when shit goes left, I don’t really trip about it anymore because, 10 times outta 10, the signs were there all along.
As I heal & grow, I’m learning to honor myself & my needs. Being super mindful about what I require & what/who I attract. Making sure that I’m able to meet my own needs FIRST before asking or expecting or requiring that from someone else. That way I don’t betray, neglect, abandon myself by ignoring the red flags for the sake of connection, love or *fill in the blank*
This is my first time talking about this publicly. For months, it was too painful to even think about let alone talk about. The reason why it was so hard was because I knew it wasn’t anybody else’s fault but my own. I couldn’t point the finger, no matter how much I tried to. I betrayed myself. And that was a tough pill to swallow.
We all wake up one day & ask: WHO THE HELL AM I? WHY AM I HERE? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?
The earliest I can remember asking myself these questions was around 2004. I was 29 years old & working as an Executive Secretary on a contracted assignment through the State of Michigan. I worked in the training department of the HIV/AIDS Prevention & Intervention Section. Pretty decent job for a single mom with a high school diploma.
I was treated lovely. Had my own cubicle with a weighted, marble name plate. I could take breaks as many times as I wanted, long as my work was done. I got along with all of my coworkers (which was about, maybe, 25 people). Sometimes, I got to sit in & watch the trainers do their thang. It was a wonderful experience. But then something happened.
I started asking myself did I really want to be a secretary for the rest of my life? Because the only reason why I decided to become one in the first place was because I admired my mom’s typing skills when I was a kid. And, in my little kid’s mind, I thought that being a Secretary was the only job I could get where I could type fast, like my momma. The way she would hit those keys without looking at em was mesmerizing.
Almost 20 years later & I’m still going down the rabbit hole of WHY AM I HERE? Turns out, the answer is not always so straightforward or simple. Luckily though, I’ve finally figured out my why (which I will share in an upcoming post) & it doesn’t involve being a Ghostwriter, which so many folks seem to think. This is where the story begins…
Because I’m passionate about writing, the art of storytelling, & folks using their voice to share their stories, I (and a bunch of other people) thought it’d be a good idea for me to help write folks’ stories. What a bad idea.
September 2020, when the opportunity presented itself, I’d already self-published 3 books, made 2 short films, & written a whole lot of blog posts. So, I figured hey, why not? I can do this. I got this.
As I’ve been mastering me & all of my intricacies, I came across Human Design —which I talk about A LOT — & discovered that we all have a certain energy type & a specific way to use & engage our energy. Knowing & applying these are life-changing.
I am designed to do things that light me up. Bring me joy. Make me happy. Not do things out of lack, survival mode, desperation…pretty much how I’ve been operating all of my life, watching my mom struggle & then me turning around internalizing that struggle, becoming a teen mom & perpetuating that struggle.
By this time, I knew better though. I knew that I am only to take on projects that feel good to me, to my spirit. My mind was on board but my intuition was like DON’T DO IT! But, I didn’t listen. My gut (my decision-making tool along with my emotional authority) was unsettled.
Our bodies are a messaging system. It communicates to us everything we need to know about ourselves, about our lives. Things we should pay attention to.
Frequent headaches are telling us that maybe our blood pressure is too high, or that we need glasses, or that we need to relax & not stress out. That burning sensation you feel in your belly after being presented with an idea or a proposition or an opportunity is trying to tell you something.
I agreed to ghostwrite this person’s memoir. After having a conversation via chat & following that up with a Zoom meeting, I felt she had a great story to share. And since I’m passionate about folks sharing their stories, I wanted to help.
I draw up a contract. She pays in full. We’re good to go. I work on her memoir for several months, present the first draft…& she hates it!
Not only does she hate it, she asks for her money back for the other project she had paid for but I had yet to start on.
I was supposed to write her memoir along with a screenplay. But because she was displeased with the FIRST DRAFT I presented, she did not want me to proceed with the screenplay. So, while she did not want her money back for the time I spent on the memoir, she did want the money back for the screenplay, which was a pretty penny & hurt my pockets exponentially!!!
We all know that first drafts are crappy. So, my argument was that all creative works go through several rounds of drafts before the final product is reached. She admitted that she’s seen my work & was pleased with it, but feels I was doing hers a disservice. While I believe I just hadn’t gotten the chance to polish her work. It was the FIRST DRAFT!
I told her my stance. She threatened to take me to court, presented me with a screenshot of the summons & everythang. That’s when I bowed out, gracefully, by deciding to just give her her money back. Thousands of it.
When we know who we are & why we’re here, we tend to make choices that are in alignment with that. And when we don’t, there’s a price to pay.
(B)Lesson: This taught me to listen to my gut, my body, my intuition, my environment. Trust that the Universe got me & that there’s no lack. Everything is working for my good!
That situation needed to happen to show me that I am not a ghostwriter. I am passionate about folks sharing their stories, but I AM NOT the person to do that for them. I am a connector. I have resources. I am the plug. That’s who I am.
In one of my earlier posts (which you can read here), I talked about being bored out of my gat damn mind & how I crave mental stimulation.
I mean, I do a pretty good job entertaining myself & meeting my 6 Basic Human Needs but…shit! As humans, we are hardwired for connection & interaction. So, while it’s a good thing to be able to show up for yourself & supply your needs, getting those things from a human is quite beneficial.
For me, I find intelligence hella attractive. Someone I can spend hours conversating (I know that’s not a word) with makes my insides all giddy.
Shortly after my previous post, the one I linked to above, my boredom ceased. On October 1st, I went to my class reunion. Actually, it was an all-class reunion. Let me tell you. I had the bestest time ever!!!
I was sitting at the bar when he sat next to me & struck up a convo. It was just small talk then, nothing major. Asked me what I was sipping on. I told him. I asked him what he was sipping on. He told me…then asked if I wanted to try some.
The “bar” (yes in air quotes) is a B.Y.O.B. establishment, which is so oxymoronic to me but I digress. I am not a big drinker at all & am a low key lightweight. So, I’m good with a glass of wine, which is what I was drinking that night.
He was drinking Tequila &, according to him, it wasn’t the nasty kind like Cuervo & could be drank on the rocks with no chaser. I allowed him to pour a little bit into my tumbler, but not before giving him the disclaimer of what my behavior used to be like back in my hey day…
We parted ways that night. He inboxed me to see if I made it home safely…and we’ve been chatting it up ever since.
It is said that whatever we want we must speak it into existence & once we do, the Universe will conspire to make sure that it is so. I am enjoying the moment & what it has to offer…while simultaneously ensuring that my needs are met.
Tech investor, motivational speaker, straight from the hip, foul-mouthed Gary Vee is a content creating MONSTER!!! Not only does he post on social media every day, but he also posts several times a day.
His advice for those who are struggling to get started or don’t know what to post is to simply:
DOCUMENT DON’T CREATE
He said that too often we look at a person’s success from where they are today & that if we’re starting a new business or project or whatever, document the journey. Surprisingly, folks like to see stuff like that.
That’s basically what I’ve been doing for this 100 Day Posting Challenge. It’s pretty similar to journaling, which I’ve been doing for more than 30 years. I’m in the process of rebranding my business while at the same time rebranding ME!
I imposed this challenge upon myself as an attempt to write/post more consistently. While I haven’t posted every single day, I’ve posted more regularly than I ever have. Consistency is a muscle that most definitely must be strengthened…& I’m well on my way!
So, if ever you’re stuck about what to write or share in these social media streets, remember to document the process. Us folks love to see the process.
Up until very recently, I used to think that dreams were these random, oftentimes crazy happenings. Because, what could it possibly mean, besides nothing at all, to dream that all of your teeth are falling out? Or that you’re suspended in air, floating about in a parking lot? Or that you’re being chased by monsters one minute & at a picnic the next? According to Jenn Tomomitsu, PhD, our dreams are trying to communicate with us, for real.
I began keeping a dream journal back in 2014 because I probably read somewhere that I should. And as I did, I would go back & read the entries here & there & started noticing some patterns.
A large majority of my dreams appear to be centered on the theme of LOVE, wanting it, needing it. They usually come in the form of me being showered with affection by a big, faceless man. It is not the same man in each of the dreams, but the man is always tall & thick, solid, teddy bear-ish.
We’re usually out in public, around lots of people, & he’s standing closely behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist. Proud. After having this somewhat similar dream numerous times, I said to myself that there had to be a reason.
Going back to the previous quote from Jenn Tomomitsu (you can read her article here), if our dreams are mirror images reflecting back unresolved ish in our regular lives, then it makes all the sense in the world.
I’ve been in & out of & have had many failed relationships. I’m using the word “failed” very loosely because I wholeheartedly believe that everything happens for a reason & that everything is a blessing & a lesson. So, with that being said, I don’t necessarily see those relationships that didn’t last as a bad thing.
For years I told myself that I didn’t want to be committed to anyone & that I just wanted to be free, play the field, have friends, yada yada yada. But after years of therapy, turns out that I was coming from a place of fear. It was a defense mechanism. Armor. I was behaving this way because of trauma & the attachment style I adapted early on in life.
If you’re not familiar with attachment styles, I encourage everyone to check out the Personal Development School on YouTube. In a nutshell, we acquire these attachment styles based on the way our caregivers handled (or didn’t handle) our emotional needs growing up. Many of us are born with an insecure attachment style, which filters how we show up in our adult lives & relationships.
For instance, I used to be Fearful Avoidant with some Dismissive Avoidant traits. Again, watch the PDS YouTube for in-depth explanations. I grew up with my emotional needs being completely neglected. I was yelled at if I accidentally tripped & fell, which I did a lot. I was hella pigeon-toed as a kid & had to wear corrective braces on my feet. I blame it on that.
In addition to that, I was ignored. My mom had her own shit going on, apparently. She could not be bothered with an inquisitive, bored only child. I could stand directly in front of her face calling her name & she’d look right through me. This caused me to have a grave mistrust in anyone being able to hold space for my emotions.
So, while I have an immense desire for intimacy & closeness, I have an equally immense distrust in folks. This has caused a push-pull dynamic in my relationships all of my life. I bring people close while simultaneously pushing them away.
Meanwhile, since I was out here in my regular life acting like I didn’t want love & closeness & commitment, my dreams were on that Maury Povich tip…
So, what are your dreams trying to tell you? Don’t think you can sweep them under the rug or dismiss them as crazy. Naw. Get familiar with how to read them symbolically. Have fun interpreting.
Words cannot express how uber proud I am of my oldest daughter. She’s smart, focused, determined with a big heart. I reckon that’s why she decided to become a nurse.
When she was in high school, she’d always say that she wanted to be a neo-natal nurse. She absolutely loves kids. She is the #1 auntie to her nieces & nephews. She does want to have kids of her own one day but, unlike myself, she’s somewhat of a traditionalist. She’s getting solidified in her career first, then she wants to find the right man to get married to & settle down with.
We practically grew up together, considering I had her at 18 years old & got pregnant with her my senior year of high school. As I’ve watched her grow, she’s watched me fumble my way through this thing called Motherhood. I’ve made a ton of mistakes, learning basically everything as I went along. But, thank goodness for grace & mercy.
On her 28th birthday, I’m sitting back looking over her life and how far she’s come. There was a period of time that she struggled straight after high school. Taking the easy route because nursing school just seemed so daunting. So about 4 or 5 years after she graduated from high school, she decided to dive in. And she hasn’t turned back since.
I just wanted to take the time to honor her & her accomplishments, in a world that’s full of distractions. Honor her for breaking generations of teen pregnancies & parenting. The roles definitely have reversed, as I am watching & drawing my biggest inspiration from her💜
My cousin came to visit me at my new place the other day, while I had male company over. She had heard me talk about this guy for almost a year but never met him. Initially, he & I did try to see what we could see. Ya know? See if we could possibly be more than friends. Turns out, not so much.
He & I get along great. We talk every single day. See each other from time to time, flirt here & there, but that’s the extent. My cousin is confused by all of this. She honestly wants to know what is our issue. If we’re both single, looking for a relationship, spending time with each other, talking every day…something isn’t quite right.
I totally understand where she’s coming from. I struggled with this early on when he & I first started talking. It looked promising & then abruptly took a different turn. I was in my feelings. I questioned about his sudden change of heart. Started questioning my worth, my value, my enough’ness. I quickly snapped outta that though.
While we do communicate every day, ironically, he’s unavailable. He’s not available in the way that I desire & require someone to be…& that’s emotionally.
So, because I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water, I’ve accepted things for what they are. Currently, we are holding a certain space for each other. We enjoy each other’s company, make each other laugh, love Crime shows. And guess what, that’s enough.