If you read my other post about side chicks, you’re probably wondering what the fascination is. There is none, really. I’m just writing what I know based on my experiences, with the hopes that someone can relate & escape that mental & emotional prison she’s in.
Over the last few years, I’ve been pretty transparent about what I’ve been through. By doing so, it has not only helped me heal & grow, it’s helped others as well. I started off vlogging on my YouTube Channel. You can check it out by clicking the link. Some of them are painful for me to watch simply because I remember the head space I was in during those times.
In the past, all I would attract were married men, unavailable men, unavailable people, actually. It became the norm for me, so I accepted it. I’m the type who believes that everything happens for a reason. And the fact that I kept attracting those kinds of people had to mean something, right? Well, it did.
It meant that I had to get to the core of my issues and assess the energy I was putting into the universe. I vlogged about my energy in a YouTube vid. < — Click & take a lookey.
You see, we get what we put out into the atmosphere. I was putting out (no pun intended) that I was emotionally unavailable and didn’t want a relationship because, low key, I didn’t trust anyone. So, guess what? I brought them to me, unknowingly.
We attract who we are, not what we want
Here are the 4 reasons why you shouldn’t want to be a side chick:
#1 It’s degrading
Regardless of how glorified the media and your friends make it. There aren’t enough clothes, money, and trips that can compensate for your body and your worth.
Which leads me to #2: It diminishes your self-WORTH
Settling to be a side piece says a lot about how you view yourself. It’s all about mindset. Once we know what we’re valued at, we will not discount ourselves. EVER!
#3 It’s disrespectful
Not only are you disrespecting yourself by accepting mediocrity, you’re disrespecting that woman that he (and sometimes she) is committed to. At the end of the day, we have to do the right thing, even when others aren’t because, ultimately, it’s our cross to bear. They will get their turn come Judgment Day.
#4 It’s lonely
Bonding, intimacy, and sex are all natural needs, wants, and desires. Shouldn’t we want those things from someone who is making us a priority instead of an option? He may shower you with gifts, give you money and even pay some of your bills, spend a little time wit’cha. But when he leaves, you’re left with just YOU. By yourself, wondering when the next phone call, text, or encounter is going to be.
Take it from a recovering (attention) whore, it’s not worth it. I know some of y’all may laugh at that, but the truth of it all is, many of us are attention whores. There’s nothing wrong with wanting attention because we all NEED it. Just like a plant needs water & sunlight in order for it to thrive and grow. That’s a form of attention.
It’s just that those of us who lack getting attention in a healthy manner, seek it by any means necessary, with little to no discretion as to who it comes from. Basically, it really doesn’t matter, as long as someone is paying us some attention, which is unhealthy.
That’s all I got. Those are the reasons why you don’t wanna be and shouldn’t wanna be someone’s option, afterthought, #2, or side chick.
~Until next time…
*Disclaimer: I am an author, scriptwriter, and creator of the Get Naked Movement, where I share stories (mine & others) to help folks heal from the inside out. I am not a counselor, therapist, or psychologist, but I am an enthusiast who is passionate about healing & getting unstuck.
On May 31st (my 42nd birthday) I released my 3rd book 3 Ways to Cut Soul Ties, and I am so proud. Yes, I am proud of my first two books as well. But the reason I am most proud of this book is that, unlike the others, this one is non-fiction and about specific periods in my life, not semi-autobiographical accounts. I get raw and #GetNaked. 🙂
Writing this book was cathartic. I released things that had been holding me back for years. No lie, after I decided to no longer be tied to certain people & things and wrote my truths, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt it. I was free.
While I was repeating unhealthy patterns, I noticed that a lot of other folks were too. People opened up to me, shared their stories. I didn’t solicit them. They just felt lead to do so. I see that as a privilege, an honor and it’s something that I don’t take lightly.
Because of the countless conversations I’ve had with people, I know many of you are stuck and may benefit from reading 3 Ways to Cut Soul Ties.
If you are:
Repeating unhealthy patterns
Linked to someone who is not your mate
Straddling the fence and unsure of your worth
This book is for you. Sometimes it’s hard for us to see the magnitude of a situation while we’re knee deep in it. When we see someone else has gone through a similar situation and persevered, it gives us hope.
When I would hear folks’ stories about abuse and neglect and how they overcame those things, I knew that I had to get to the root of my issues by getting real honest with myself about what was holding me back from the career I wanted, having good credit and just a healthy relationship with money period, as well as meaningful relationships with people.
I now know that getting, having, and keeping those things are possible when you do the work.
I want to reach 100 downloads. Get people talking about cutting soul ties. It’s available on Amazon and Nook for just $6.99. That’s it.
Share with those you know who need to CUT IT. Share with those who will benefit. Better yet, gift it to 5 people and be like “Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday.”
We’re more productive and better as humans when we’re not bound, tied, and chained to something or someone. That statement has multiple connotations but ultimately mean the same thing. Get your dirty mind out the gutter LOL.
*Disclaimer: I am an author, scriptwriter, and creator of the Get Naked Movement, where I share stories (mine & others) to help folks heal from the inside out. I am not a counselor, therapist, or psychologist, but I am an enthusiast who is passionate about healing & getting unstuck.
It’s been a minute, but I’m still here. I’ve been pretty active over on Facebook, and have been on an overall get FREE journey for the past few months. Not only the free that I speak about in my Get Naked Movement but free from debt AND from having to work a 9 to 5. So, I’ve been working hard ova here.
But I cannot neglect my love for writing & sharing because, after all, sharing connects & heals us. While on my brief hiatus, I decided to add a lil intro, a blurb, a disclaimer to all of my posts, and as well as my videos. Here goes:
My name is Phette Hollins. I am an author, scriptwriter, and creator of the Get Naked Movement, where I share stories (mine & others) to help folks heal from the inside out. I am not a counselor, therapist, or psychologist, but I am an enthusiast who is passionate about healing & getting unstuck.
Ok, now that that’s out of the way. Let’s dive in!
#4 I’m single and can do what I wanna do
Yeah, that’s true to some degree, but not at someone else’s expense and when others are involved.
#3 He made the commitment to her, I didn’t
Ok, so, the reason why I’m talking about being the other woman is that I was the other woman, a lot. I was the other woman so much that I thought that was my destiny. Why else would I attract only married men? Like, why?
That was my mindset and a very corrupt one at that. I told myself that I had no reason to feel bad about sleeping with married men because HE was the one who was married, not me. He took the vows. He made the commitment. He walked down that aisle. He went to the Justice of the Peace. He…you get what I’m saying. I’m single and can do what I wanna do. That’s a lie.
#2 He loves me (more)
Granted, there are those times when a couple is separated and taking actions to get a divorce, and he leaves the marriage to be with the side chick. It happens. Like Alicia Keys & Swizz Beatz. But what I’m referring to is dealing with someone who’s blatantly telling you he’s not leaving his wife or telling you that he is but never does.
On top of that, he’s telling you that he loves you and if times were different y’all would be together and that he’s closer to you than his wife and…
Don’t believe the hype!
Lastly, the number 1 biggest lie we tell ourselves when we’re the other woman is:
The wife should’ve been on her job!!!
I had to drop the pen on this one. I usually outline my blog posts, vlogs, live vids, etc., so that I can stay on task and not forget anything. As I wrote this last lie, I dropped the pen, you know, synonymous to dropping the mic.
This is the biggest lie. You wanna know why? Because it has nothing to do with the wife. Absolutely nothing. If that man wanted to leave, regardless of it’s “cheaper to keep her” or not, he would leave.
When we (I’m talking about as people) are done with something, we are done. It may take some of us longer to get there, but when we get there, it’s a wrap.
Just know that his wife could be cooking, cleaning, and catering to his every need and, if he wants to, he will cheat. Periodt. Got it?
Don’t be fooled. Stop lying to yourselves and unblock your blessings so you can get the mate you want, the true love you deserve.
Before my healing journey my priorities were all jacked up. My main focus was romantic relationships because I craved attention.
But when you start healing one thing, it carries over to other areas. I started off wanting to heal because pain kept showing up in patterns. I was tired of jumping in and out of relationships. I was tired of attracting the same types of people.
Once I got to WHY that kept happening, it made sense WHY my finances were in shambles. WHY my romantic relationships didn’t work. And WHY I wasn’t as close to my kids as I felt I should’ve been.
So I shifted my priorities and things are falling in place. They say if you want something different…you gotta do something different. I’ve built a loving relationship with myself, that I didn’t have before and is so imperative because if you don’t, you will fall for, settle for & attract whatever energy you’re emitting. I was projecting energy that said I was lonely, desperate, didn’t love myself, was not enough. FOLKS could spot it a mile away.
Also when you have a healthy relationship with yourself, you can pour into those who deserve it, like the kids. 😊 …and things that truly matter.
My top 3 priorities now are:
1. My offspring
2. Building a legacy so that I can quit my 9to5 & teach my kids to work their passion and not feel like they have to work a job
3. Personal development. Making sure I learn and grow daily by fueling my mind.
What are your priorities?
Follow me on social media everywhere @PhetteHollins and share with those you know who need to #GetNaked because healing is freedom.
Even with my affinity for words, I haven’t found the right words to describe my excitement about The #GetNakedMovement Casting Call/Taping. So, I’ll just express it with gifs. Because, I have an affinity for those as well.
The #GetNakedMovement (TGNM) is a collection of stories told by those who have identified & addressed their issues & also did something about it. Removed the layers. Dropped the baggage. Got NAKED & healed. Because #HealingIsFreedom
I started the Movement last year when I dropped my first short short film: Daddy’s Girl Is A Hoe.
What followed were Public Service Announcements (PSA’s) that touched on depression, self-esteem & body image, suicide, domestic violence, and sexual addiction. Topics folks wanna keep on the hush but are very necessary to discuss. You can check out those videos –> HERE <–
This Saturday, April 8th, from 10am – 2pm at Bert’s Warehouse in Detroit, folks can come and share their #GetNaked stories with the world.
Be sure to come camera ready, and please DO NOT wear green; it will make you look invisible against the green screen. And we don’t want that, do we? We want you to be seen, ya know? 🙂
What to expect on Saturday
When you arrive at 2739 Russell St. in Detroit, someone will greet & lead you to check in. Once you sign in you’ll wait in the waiting area until it’s your turn.
There will be a gentleman with a camera capturing footage & also engaging you in conversation. It’s ok. He’s cool like dat.
When it’s your time to shine, someone will grab you from the waiting area and then guide you to where the magic happens –the filming area, where it will be me & you…yo momma & yo cousin too…
LOL. A little Outkast for ya. Oh, that’s another thing, I’m always injecting song lyrics into everythang. OK, but, for real. It’ll be just me, you, the producer, and the camera guy. That’s it. EZ PZ.
Don’t overthink it. Just BE YOU. Talk to us as if you were telling the story to a friend.
In the words of Lisa Nichols, your brilliance doesn’t belong to you. The world needs to hear your story.
P.S.
If you’re unable to physically make it on Saturday, you can send a video submission (3-10 mins) to: GetNakedTheMovement@gmail.com. For everyone else…
…time just kinda got away from me. I’ve been focusing on other stuff. Shifting my mind. ish like that. So, I haven’t exactly been slacking overall as a whole. Ya know? But seriously, writing is my 1st love & I am always doing so in some capacity. However, I do need to blog more frequently.
Now that that’s out of the way. I did start this video series called #iTsBreakTime. I titled it as such because they’re done while I’m at my 9 to 5 during my “breaks.” I did this as a way to show that ain’t no breaks over here bih! I utilize this time to document my journey (per Gary Vee) & research business related ideas.
It’s also serving a multi-purpose by getting me more comfortable being in front of the camera because, even though I have a whole –> YouTube Channel <– , I’m an introvert and more of a behind the scenes type of chick. So, when I become famous & be getting interviewed & stuff, I’ll be Gucci.
Since we’re in an era now where our attention spans are smaller than a gnat, I keep the vids under 1 min, but mainly because that’s the max on Instagram.
Check ’em out. Let me know what you think. Shoot me a message, leave a comment if there’s something in particular you want me to cover. My topics are random, for the most part, and based on what I’m experiencing at that moment or have experienced.
I have 12 whole videos but, for some reason, I’m unable to load them. I have no idea how I was able to upload just these 2. Like, I have no idea. I will not be defeated, though. I will keep working on it. But in the meantime, you can see the others on my Instagram Page <– Just click.
Digging in the bag is metaphoric for Digging in the soul. What I discovered as I was scavenging through old photos was how different I was “back then.” Of course, as time progresses the hope is to grow. But sadly, some folks don’t. They stay stuck, stagnant.
I want to take the time to celebrate growth…and healing by sharing the head space I was in during the time of the photos compared to where I am now. We are who we are for a reason. We behave in the manner we do due to our upbringing, pre-disposition (genetics), experiences, what we’ve been exposed to, etc.
I knew I had serious issues shortly into my marriage. At a time when I should’ve been happy (especially since 3 of the men I dated previously got married after our breakup), I wasn’t. I didn’t know it then, but that took a toll on my self-esteem. Subconsciously, I didn’t feel worthy.
Prior to getting married, I blamed all of my exes for my failed relationships. I was absolutely, positively NOT the blame. They were all liars & cheaters and had issues, NOT ME. I was good.
My childhood wasn’t traumatic like some of my friends’ was. My mom wasn’t on drugs. A relative didn’t penetrate me with his penis; he used his fingers instead. That didn’t count as molestation, right?
I was good & grown when I learned that inserting your fingers inside an 8 to 10 year old’s vagina is a violation, and that a parent can live in the home & be just as absent as the drug-addicted parent in the streets.
Because my experiences weren’t “as bad” as those I saw in the movies or that of some of my relatives & friends, I minimized them, until they got too big for me to ignore.
I talk about patterns a lot. Mine was:
Meet. Sex. Relationship. Cheat. Break up. Get back together. Cheat. Break up.
I didn’t take the time to get to know anyone. In hindsight, that was because I didn’t care to. I didn’t even know who I was. Didn’t know what to look for. I was winging it and doing a bad job at it. All I knew was that I liked attention…from any & everybody. But baybeeeeeee…all attention ain’t good attention.
I said it before –>HERE<– and –>HERE<– annndddddddd –>RIGHT HERE<– , I grew up in a non-affectionate family. So, I sought it elsewhere.
I lost my virginity to a 15-year-old. Though I didn’t look 11 (almost 12), that doesn’t negate the fact that I was a child.
On the left: Ponytail w/bangs in the front & back. On the right: Farrah Fawcett feathered do w/the satin blouse AND brooch #iMgrown
Will you look at the transformation. Can you see it? The pic on the left, I had a little bit of innocence left. On the right…it’s GONE!
30+ years later and it still saddens me because I blame my mom for dropping the ball. My grandma, too.
Being a parent myself, I understand that we (parents) cannot be with our kids 24/7 & know their every move. So when I say they dropped the ball, I mean they gave up on me, for whatever reason.
I’m convinced that when I turned 13, my grandmother stopped liking me. I could surmise that maybe my attitude had something to do with it. But, shit, don’t all teenagers got a bad attitude?
My mom allowed me to come & go as I pleased, for the most part. She didn’t follow-up with parents to ensure I was over such & such house like I “alleged” to be. She was preoccupied. With what? I don’t know. She was a very private person. I knew very little about her life, but the little bit I do know speaks volumes.
She was still that wounded, hurt little girl who never healed. So, she felt all she had to do was make sure I was fed, clothed, and had shelter. Dassit. She could not pour into me because she was empty, which made her emotionally unavailable.
So she didn’t notice my bloodied clothes after a 15-year-old boy just popped my cherry. I came in the house and she didn’t even bother to look up, which I knew she wouldn’t. I just slid on upstairs and camouflaged my clothes in the garbage.
2 weeks later, I was happy to celebrate my 12th birthday AND my menstrual cycle.
I didn’t know much about the birds & the bees, but I knew a period was a good sign. So, when I didn’t get one for 5 months, I knew that was a bad sign. My mom finally noticed and took me to the dr. I was 5 months pregnant and forced to get an abortion on June 2, 1990 –2 days after my 15th birthday. Because I was so far along, the procedure took 2 days. This still affects me.
Afterwards, the dr. advised my mom & I that I rest for a couple of days. I did some crossword puzzles then got bored. I asked my mom if I could go around the corner over a friend’s house, the same house where I lost my virginity 3 yrs prior. Against the doctor’s orders, she let me go. Again, preoccupied. Unfazed.
I would go on to get pregnant again at 17 years old. On purpose. While kids were filling out college applications, I was planning to have a baby. Not because I was trying to “trap” a dude. Nope, nothing like that. But because I wanted someone to love & to love me back. I knew by the time I had the baby I’d be 18 and couldn’t be made to get rid of her.
For the next 25+ years I would engage in unhealthy relationships with men & women because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Now that I’ve gotten to the root of my issues and have been doing the work, I am clear about what I want & will no longer attract strays (those who have no place to go), cheaters (those who are married or in a committed relationship), or abandoners (those who are emotionally unavailable).
Stories connect & heal us. Let’s get unstuck together. 😊😊😊
Unlike my last post, *you can read it –> HERE <–*, I got permission to post the photos I’m about to post without having to mask the face. The ones you see with the masks are, in this case, innocent bystanders. 🙂
OK, HERE IT GOES…
I got so many pictures of this dude I had to make a collage, or else this would’ve been the longest post in the history of long posts. And these aren’t all of them.
I got so many pictures of this dude because he was my first love –in the eyes of my 14-year-old self.
My Virginia Farrell hair do
This is what I looked like when he first pursued me, when I was 13 years old.
Low key, I think I was scared to give him a chance because he was so big & black. He looked like a 30-year-old man at the age of 17. I ain’t want no parts of that…but he was relentless.
This is my favorite hairstyle EVER
This is what I looked like when I finally gave in, minus the fuchsia(this is how it should be spelled despite what’s written on the pic) tips.
I was a demure teen and he was an outgoing street ninja. I was squarer than a cigarette and he was cooler than a fridge. I liked that about him.
We spent a lot of time together…when he wasn’t spending it with other chicks.
He’d invite me over and, by the time I walked the 3 blocks or so to his house, he was gone. I’d wait for hours. This was before cell phones, and before we could afford beepers.
I stayed with #Ninja4 for 4 years, off & on. You know how that goes. After he got a girl pregnant within 1 year of us going together, I was all cried out and decided to join him at his game.
Told y’all this was my favorite hairstyle. Still holding on to dem fuchsia tips. Hashtag Spring Pic.
I was like Boy, I am too cute to be played like this. I quit you.
I had boys lined up. Fawk u thought?!? Forget you. I’m out!
Tony was the 1st in a string of victims. He was so good to me. He was nice. He carried my books. Walked me to all my classes. Took me to the movies. Took me fishing. Just good to me. But you know we don’t like them nice ones.
Plus, #Ninja4 was like “Broke up? Who broke up? Not us!”
It was like he knew my every move. He knew when I had company. Even knew when I was planning on having company.
He taunted & tormented poor Tony for months, until he finally broke up with me. #Ninja4 won. So, I went back to him.
I tried dating 2 more people and he bullied them away. The 3rd one he actually got into an altercation with, on Superbowl Sunday 1993. But this one wasn’t so easy to get rid of, considering I was pregnant by him.
5 months pregnant5 months pregnant. You can see the bump more so in this pic
Everything changed after this. I had #Ninja4’s full attention now. He stopped messing around with other girls (I think), and vowed to be there for me and my unborn baby, even though he wasn’t the biological. Turned out, back then, the biological didn’t want anything to do with his seed. He eventually changed his tune. I wrote about it in –> THIS POST <– a day after he passed away suddenly in 2012.
#Ninja4 kept his word. He was there for us. I had my #1stBorn on October, 11, 1993. I was going to name her Breyonna, but I dropped the “B” so that her name would begin with the letter “R,” like #Ninja4.
And whudduya know? After getting a girl pregnant while we were together, cheating on me incessantly, the break ups, the make ups…Now, I didn’t want him anymore.
It was in that moment as I sat in a motel room with him & my 4 month old baby with nowhere to go that I decided I wanted more. Being a street dude’s girl wasn’t cute. So, I left for good.
Back in October 2016, I spoke with #Ninja4 and it dawned on me that I didn’t fully gain closure from ending our relationship. I bounced and jumped and hopped into numerous relationships after him. Repeating the same patterns. Never resolving anything. Not sitting still long enough to listen for the next, right move. If you hurt my feelings, I retaliated. I was good for doing tit for tat. Not knowing that I was only harming myself.
Stories connect & heal us. I share my stories as a means to celebrate growth with the hope that we can get & stay unstuck –4eva! Share this site with those who are looking for a laugh & a lesson…and some healing.
1. to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify.
2. to rid, clear, or free (usually followed by of or from). ~Dictionary.com
Stories connect & heal us. Sometimes we’re stuck and don’t even know it. It becomes a new normal. Second nature. But if you find that you keep ending up in situations that have you questioning who you are as a person, go against your morals/values, or, to put it plainly, just don’t make you feel good about yourself, then it’s time to get that shovel, and dig deep (within).
When we repeat patterns, we’re stuck. There are lessons to learn from these experiences. If we don’t get them, they will keep showing up until we do…for however long it takes. Took me almost 20 years.
We teach people how to treat us
Initially, I was going to do this –> #DiggingInTheBag <–series in chronological order, but I changed my mind. It didn’t feel organic. I’m into things happening naturally, flowingly. 🙂 (If you don’t know, I make up words. It’s better this way) If it don’t fit, don’t force it. So, however the experiences come to me is how I will convey them.
Congratulations, you are officially a side chick
There was no paperwork signed inducting me into this new position. I acquiesced. I accepted this job, oblivious of its opening. By the time I peeped my new job duties and questioned them, I was told to read the fine print of the figurative contract and refer to where it states “and other duties as assigned.” Nobody reads that shit. Well, I didn’t.
Let the patterns begin
It fascinates me that I can playback a particular event and see it totally different than I did before. That’s because I have –> new eyes <– and over time as we mature, we see things for how they are…and not how we want them to be.
When we gon’ get to the good part
Me @21 yrs young. Rocking the creamy crack do, Mary J. Blige honey blonde, asymetric cut w/my spring jacket from Winkleman’s. Couldn’t tell me nada.
The guy in the pic is #Ninja2 (in my attempt to keep folks anonymous, I’ve given everyone an identifier so that I can keep track). Ok, so, this is #Ninja2.
We were teenagers in love. I was his first. He wasn’t mine’s, though. He’s one year older than me, but 2 grades ahead (had them smarts). I met him in the Spring of ’89. He was cute & little, but sexy like Big Daddy Kane.
Yup. He looked like this.
We hung out at each other’s houses. Went to Cedar Point. Met each other’s moms. This was for sure for sure gonna last…until he kicked me to the curb my first week of high school. Guess he couldn’t dare be seen with a freshman. 😦
That was it. We were done and didn’t talk for a few years. Buster.
The “Contract”
Jump ahead to 1996. I’m 21; he’s 22. We saw each other. We’re geeked up. We reminisced. We promised to stay in touch.
We kept in touch. We linked up. We screwed.
We linked up. We screwed. Repeat.
We linked up. We screwed. We went to the movies. Repeat.
We linked up. We screwed. We went to the movies. We went to concerts. Repeat. As a matter of fact, in the above pic of us we’re at a concert. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Few weeks went by and I noticed he would come to my place, but I couldn’t go to his.
That’s when I was hit with the “I live with my baby mama but we don’t f@ck no mo.” Not only were they NOT having sex, but they also “sleep in different rooms.”
Silly Mortal
I’m the type that believe what people say until it’s proven otherwise. If you tell me you’re going to call me, I believe you. If you tell me you’re sleeping in another room and are in the process of getting your own crib, I believe you. If 6 months has passed and you’re singing the same song on repeat, theeeeennnnnnnnn it’s a prollem.
According to my journal entries, I felt early on something wasn’t right, which, I’m glad I revisited what I wrote because my recollection was a wee bit different (we all know that memory alone cannot be trusted, right? That’s why we need RECEIPTS, which in this case is JOURNALS). I forced myself to believe that he was being truthful. I would page him and he wouldn’t respond for days. *sidebar: How many of y’all remember beepers doe? I had a cute purple one.
Kinda like this one
He would called at 10pm/11pm almost every night, not giving 2 damns about me having to work in the a.m. When we did link up, he stayed out all night, sometimes not going home until midday the next day. So, in my young, naive mind, ain’t no way he had a woman who would tolerate that. I was wrong.
Shredding the Contract
6 months later. Wash. Rinse.
There was this spot that everybody in the world (well, in Romulus 🙂 ) went to every Thursday night called The Ultimate Sports Bar.
We met up as usual. But on this night, I declined for us to “hook up” afterwards. I thought that would tip him off that something was up, but it didn’t.
We went out separate ways. Instead of going to sleep when I got home at almost 3 am, I sat by the phone, waiting for it to ring…because I knew it was going to ring. He never called after the club for two reasons: #1 Often times we were together, and #2 When we weren’t, he went home to her. He definitely wasn’t going to call then.
My nerves were shot. I kept checking to make sure my phone was plugged in, and that the ringer was on. I obsessed like that for an hour…then the phone rang.
He was cussing me out before I got the phone to my ear. The time I spent with him in my youth and over the past 6 months, not once had I ever heard him curse. But that night, he used them all, and also spewed “Bitch, I’ll kill yo hoe ass.” That’s when I knew it was really real.
I…WAS…CRUSHED.
Yes, I expected him to be a little mad, but not big mad. Not cuss me out & call me out my name. Noooo, not that.
A couple of months prior, he called me from his house phone but forgot to press star 67. For those of you who aren’t old enough to remember what that is, –> Google It <–. I wrote the number down…just…in…case.
I called his baby mama the day I was to meet up with him at the sports bar. I knew he wasn’t home. I didn’t bother blocking my number…’cuz I’m a G & real G’s do gangsta…sike. Let me stop playing. But when a woman’s fed up…WATCH OUT!!!
I chickened out and hung up when she answered the phone. She called right back and asked for me by name, politely.
She knew who I was because #Ninja2 casually told her that we ran into each other a few months back. They’d had a previous convo about me taking his virginity when we were younger. She didn’t suspect anything…until he started coming home…late.
My version:
We’ve been messing around for 6 months and he’s working on getting his own place so we can be together forever and ever.
Her version:
Me & #Ninja2 never broke up. We sleep in the same room, in the same bed. Every night. Had sex last night. And we’re moving to a bigger place soon.
She thanked me for sharing and apologized that I had to go through that.
She was the one who urged me to carry on with my plans to meet up with him and act as everything was “normal.”
This experience caused me to close myself off and trust no one. I went on to be that chick who didn’t care if you had a chick because I was going to use you just like you were going to use me, and not invest my feelings.
While I may have shredded the contract with #Ninja2, there were more side chick contracts to come. And this time, I signed on the dotted line.
Karma means action, work or deed. It also refers to the spiritual principle of cause & effect, where intent & actions (whether good or bad) of an individual influence the future of that individual.
I believe in good & bad karma. Most of the time, folks just say “karma” and that’s indicative to mean bad, automatically. We forget there’s another side of the coin. However, this post is about the bad side, though. 🙂
THE BETRAYAL
I’ve written about some of my wrongdoings before, and will continue to do so as a means to heal. In one of my posts, I talked about how I tried to date a married man. Last year, I betrayed someone who I considered a friend (without really knowing how to be one) by sleeping with her ex-girlfriend. I still cringe thinking about that. It still makes me uncomfortable, but I’m #WritingThroughIt.
A friend is a person who you bond with, typically a non-family member, who you hang out with and confide in.
I repented for my actions and then spent the next several months learning how to not only be a friend, but also a better person. I was on a roll. Doing the damn thing…then…Karma’s ass showed up. The convo went like this:
Karma
“Hey girl hey! First, let me just say, I see you and you’re doing a good job making sure your intent & actions are aligned so that you’re maximizing your cause & effect. Keep up the good work, girl.”
Me (blushing)
“Hey Karma heeeyyy! I truly appreciate that and thank you for noticing. You don’t know how much that means”…
KARMA INTERRUPTS
Karma
“But…do you remember back in February 2015, when you did X to Y?”
Me
“Uhhh…yeah…but…that was a mistake. I felt real bad and I learned from it.”
Karma
“Shh!!! I understand. But here ya go. And, remember, stay the course.”
She plopped that payback in my lap and vanished. This is a true story. Are y’all still following along?
THE PAYBACK
The payback came from someone who I considered a friend. Not just any friend. Not the friend you talk to every now and then. Naw!!! I communicated with this friend 1,2,3, & 4 times a day/week. Hung out with. Shared secrets with. Yet, this same friend is heard calling me every name in the book ‘cept “Boo,” which is what she used to affectionately call me.
Instead, she called me a gay bitch. A dyke bitch. A bi bitch because I like girls & dudes, judged my sexual palate, but never once judged me to my face. Divulged very personal information to the person she was talking to.
I listened to the 2 messages, which were approximately 3 minutes each, at least four dozen times. I was in disbelief. I went through 3 temperaments: shock, anger, and sadness. Once I accepted those emotions, the smoke cleared.
Tell me, what are the odds of my ex-friend calling someone, not getting an answer, and forgetting to hang up the phone? Apparently, the person she called had a vendetta to settle because he texted me, asked for my email address, then urged me to be on standby because this was something I “had to see.” Well, in this case, hear. And indeed it was. Again, what are the fuggin’ odds?
#BczOfSelina
My mom could be the sweetest, most soft-spoken person you ever met…until you crossed her. Or ME. She knew how to hold a grudge tighter than some African braids. She didn’t like my ex-friend, but knew I had a hard head and a soft heart. So, she allowed me to make mistakes so that I could learn from them. She told me to sever ties numerous times. But, in my natural fashion, I…DID…NOT…LISTEN.
TRANSFORMATION
So many things have transpired and manifested since I lost my mom. While I do forgive my ex-friend for her egregious (I like that word 🙂 )conduct, this situation had to happen in order for me not only to close the chapter, but also the entire book.
I vow to continue growing and learning and assuring that my intentions and actions are rooted in LOVE. “If it’s not an absolute YES, then it’s a NO.” ~@PeaceMakita
