Why no matter how hard I try, I can’t quit humans: The Holiday Edition | @phettehollins

Growing up an only child, I always wanted people around. Cousins, friends, mates, whomever, long as I didn’t spend a sprinkle of time alone. Then something changed.

Over the past few years, I realized that I’m not as extroverted as I’d once thought. I was padding myself with people to mask what was going on internally. Once I minimized the chatter, and listened…it was clear. I was depleted.

I wasn’t surrounding myself with the right energy. I was too busy avoiding stewing in ME that I was letting any & everybody up in my space. Eventually, I got selective and allowed in only those who nurtured my spirit.

This is taking some practice because my old ways  keep poppin’ up when things don’t look like they’re going as planned. But, that’s to be expected. I just press onward.

So, fast forward to present day and me being the hermit crab & social (media) butterfly that I am (since I can’t people for real). I posted this rant on Facebook:

rant

I rarely rant. Rarely. But a chain of events happened that caused me to have to take my 10 year old daughter out of the acting/modeling classes that she loves. When she started crying, that took me over the edge. So I took to Facebook :-).

Honestly, I wasn’t looking for a handout. I wanted to subliminally shame the culprits. Just call me Peppermint Petty. Petty Boop. Petty LaBelle. Petty Wap. Any of those work fine.

I received an outpouring of texts and inbox messages from folks expressing their concerns. I appreciated their concern as well. But one message stood out.

Like most of us, I don’t interact in “real life” with all of my 1,755 FB friends. I can count on one hand how many I do see in real life. So, when I got the inbox from my classmate, who I hadn’t seen since high school, I didn’t think anything of it.

She asked what was going on. I told her. She asked how much my daughter’s classes were. I told her that, too. She asked if she sent $500 would that be enough.

**insert record scratching sound effect**

OK, let me back it up just a bit and just say that it was 7 o’clock in the morning and I thought I still had crusties in my eyes. So I sat the phone down, went & brushed my teeth, washed my face…then picked the phone back up. And, yup. That’s what the message had said. OK, let me back it up summore and tell y’all how I almost missed the message, ENTIRELY!!!!

Facebook messenger be on some bull shiggity. So, you know how you can see notifications on your phone’s lock screen? That’s how I knew I had a message to begin with. But when I went into messenger to fetch it, the message WAS NOT THERE!!!! I scrolled and swiped and absolutely could not find it. Naturally, I thought I was bugging. It’s early in the morning. I could be seeing things, right? Nahhhhh!

So, I typed in the friend’s name in the search bar –YES I HAD TO DO ALL OF THIS. Her name came up. I clicked on “MESSAGE” and there it was.

After I picked my mouth up off the ground, I replied “Heck yeah,” and thanked her ad nauseum. She asked for my email address and sent the money in minutes, with a note that said “Happy Holidays.”

I was DONE! Do you hear me? DONE SON (in my New York accent). I was so happy I squealed like a mouse and was bouncing up and down on my bed. I asked if I could give her a shout out and she said yes.

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This woman got it going on. She’s a BOSS (literally) at Coca-Cola. She has a beautiful 10 year old daughter, and a mighty handsome husband. Toya, again, I thank you. Most of all, Rica thanks you. ❤

INFP – The Authenticator

Surprising things about INFPs you may not know

Source: INFP – The Authenticator

Detox: For real for real, this time : Day 2 #WritingThroughIt | @phettehollins

Blocked your calls.

Blocked your text messages…

but I know you’re messaging.

Work…phone…write…phone…sleep…Netflix…check blocked messages…write…eat…phone…check blocked messages…check blocked messages…sleep…check blocked messages. #repeat

Blocked your calls. Blocked your text messages…but I know you’re messaging.

slowly…blocking…you!

*Disclaimer: My #WritingThroughIt posts are raw emotions with very little editing. I’m not super pressed about grammar, but will give the content a once over and decide accordingly if changes should be made. Just an FYI.

Demons: #WritingThroughIt | #BczOfSelina @phettehollins

I swear I’ve never felt so much pain as the pain I feel since I lost my mother. Almost 8 months later and I’m still in shock.
Some days all I wanna do is lie in bed, balled up in the fetal position, and cry for days. That’s it. Not take a shower. Not get dressed. Not worry about what’s for dinner. Not go to work. Nothing. Just be left alone.
Then others days I’m amped up. Motivated & ready to propel to the next level…keep pushing forward so that I can make my mom proud, because she’s still watching me, right? Well, I feel like her spirit is around me, and I’m constantly shaping & exercising my brain and shifting my mindset to ultimately become a better me. An empowered me. A strong me. A FREE me.

I have a demon that I’m struggling to rid myself of, that keeps me up many nights thinking of creative ways to dead it. Been fighting with it for almost a year. The bottom line is I have to JUST DO IT!!! No bells and whistles. No gradual process, JUST DO IT.  Cold turkey…detox style. Whenever I ask myself What would Selina do? The answer is always the same.

I’ma really need to write through this one #BczOfSelina, she wouldn’t want this for her baby girl. 

*Disclaimer: My #WritingThroughIt posts are raw emotions with very little editing. I’m not super pressed about grammar, but will give the content a once over and decide accordingly if changes should be made. Just an FYI.

#DiggingInTheBag – The Intro |@phettehollins #DITB

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Because we’re in an age where cell phone camera pictures are all the rage, I thought it’d be fun to take pictures (with my cell phone’s camera) of actual Polaroid and 35mm camera pictures and whatever other types of cameras that were used…back in the day. But while digging in the BIG bag (see image above…it’s the for real for real bag where I dug up the pics), I was taken down memory lane. I found myself saying I remember this day. Me and so & so went to the Ultimate Sports Bar… (All my Romulus folks know exactly what I’m talking ’bout), or That’s my bestie since elementary…We used to be besties…That was my first boyfriend/girlfriend.

I smiled looking at many of the pics, while some made me sad. Loved ones who are no longer here in the physical realm, and love lost. The writer in me will find a way to write about something, anything. Sooooo…I thought it would be a cool idea to share the story behind the pics, the head space I was in, the patterns I repeated, and, ultimately, what I learned. Who doesn’t like to hear a good story?

Stories connect and heal us, which is why we like reading books, watching movies, listening to that one relative talk about his pimp days, Kevin Hart –he’s a storytelling Master, along with Charlie Murphy. Have you ever heard Charlie tell the story about him playing basketball with Prince? It’s one of the funniest stories I’ve ever heard. Click to watch –> The Shirts against the Blouses <–

Digging in the bag is metaphoric for Digging in the soul. What I discovered as I was scavenging through old photos was how different I was “back then.” Of course, as time progresses the hope is to grow. But sadly, some folks don’t. They stay stuck, stagnant.

I want to take the time to celebrate growth…and healing by sharing the headspace I was in during the time of the photos compared to where I am now. We are who we are for a reason. We behave in the manner we do due to our upbringing, pre-disposition (genetics), experiences, what we’ve been exposed to, etc.

Stories connect & heal us. Let’s get unstuck together. 😊😊😊 

#StayTuned

(Finally) Taking A Stand Against Abandonment Issues | @phettehollins

About a year or so ago, I really started noticing something was off when it came to me and romantic relationships. Before that, I thought I was unlucky af and just was not cut out for the foolery, not knowing that I was bringing the bulk of the foolishness. But not intentionally though.

The thing with patterns and cycles they’re so regular that they become second nature. We can perform them with our eyes closed. What I was doing for a long time, as far back as 19 years old or maybe even sooner, was making it my duty to keep folks out. I was a walking DO NOT ENTER and NO TRESPASSING sign.

I was almost 40 years old when I looked at my track record of broken relationships. I had to get real honest with the woman in the mirror, the common denominator…ME. Now, don’t get it twisted, what I will not do is take the blame for those who were on some bullshit. I’m  strictly referring to the ones who genuinely cared for me, but I did not have the mental capacity to receive it. Here’s why…

I have a fear of intimacy, which stems from me having abandonment issues. There you have it!

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Aside from my father not being active in my life, my mom was somewhat absent, too. She provided me with food and shelter, made sure I had clothes on my back and shoes on my feet. But emotionally, she was unavailable. I don’t recall ever engaging in conversation with her growing up. Not once. She was not mentally present. There was maybe a hello when I got home from school but that was it.

Now that I’m an adult with kids, I get it. I have since forgiven her (Rest peacefully Ma). She was going through her own shit, trying to sort things out. Dealing (and not dealing) with childhood trauma. So, I get it. I think she believed that as long as she provided me with the basic needs (not knowing that emotional stability is an essential need), I’d be good…but I wasn’t. And not for a long time.

Since my foundation for emotional connections was damaged, I went on to live a reckless life of promiscuity. Sex was my drug. I learned quickly to compartmentalize sex & intimacy, which, sadly, led to me breaking many hearts. I’m not proud of that, by the way. It was only a matter of time that when things were going good, I’d bust that up expeditiously (In my Morgan Freeman as Joe Clark in Lean On Me voice). No one ever broke up with me because I didn’t give them a chance to.

So what happened was, I labeled myself a commitment-phobe and began attracting “abandoners,” a.k.a., folks who are (emotionally) unavailable #RecreatingThePattern.

For years, I indulged in situationships with married men (abandoners). It was perfect (sarcasm). I was not interested in a relationship anyway because I was a commitment-phobe so I could get what I wanted without the hassle of being tied down and having to announce my whereabouts and gain permission to go places. You know…that confinement that happens when you’re in a relationship? I ain’t got time for that. Well…that’s the lie I told myself for most of my grown life.

After a while, this became a very lonely life. I have more to offer than just “hooking up.” All I had were a collection of superficial encounters. I kept saying I wanted love, but simultaneously kept pushing it away. Something was blocking me from believing I deserve it.

I made a video over a year ago about energy and what I’m emitting into the universe. I was close to the answer then. Now, I’m there. I’ve been crying out for help for a while now. When it fell on deaf ears, I resorted back to my old ways, which we often do because it’s familiar. But I’m responsible for making changes, no one else. If I want something different, I must do something different.

I’ve been reflecting and doing some research. What I learned is that my heart was closed. I come off as shy & reserved, but the truth is, I’m really difficult to get to know because I don’t open up (emotionally) easily. This is by design, of course. Because people have mishandled me. Thus, I was afraid to let anyone in.

As I get older, I long for that feeling of true love. Love without conditions. Romantic love. This time, I will open my heart…and trust. Because now, I believe in the possibility.

Quick Scripts: FREE Consultation | Let Me Write Your Story | #HolliShortFilms @phettehollins

The one thing I am asked often is “Can you write my story?” I usually say, “Yeah right,” or “Just let me know when.” Never really taking them seriously…until one day I did.

Introducing….

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First, let’s break down what a script is and why we need them. A script is a template, an outline that provides direction and focus. They’re needed for speeches (think President Obama), skits (comedy & the plethora of ones online), PSA’s (think those pharmaceutical commercials with the fatal side effects), sales pitches, and let’s not forget that when those bill collectors call us, they’re following a script as well. There are more, but I won’t bore you with an itemized list.

However, it’s safe to say that everyone needs a script at some point in their lives. We all have a story. Not everyone wants her story told…BUT…for those who do and don’t wanna fiddle with all that writing and carrying on…

HERE I AM!!!

I will take your story idea and script it up for ya. Put it in a script format, so your idea goes from concept to print. Voila!!!!

The reason it’s called Quick Scripts is because the turnaround time is 7 to 30 business days. That’s mad quick. That’s Jimmy John’s quick. The script writing process can take months. That’s why during the FREE 30-minute consultation, you will be asked a series of questions to help streamline the process.

Based on your concept, the consultation will determine what type of script fits your story idea:

  • short film
  • skit
  • web show/series
  • feature film
  • stage play…etc.

Once we’re in agreement and you lock it down with  an initial investmentthe real fun begins. I will spend the next 72 hours gathering information, and on the 4th day, the clock starts ticking.

How cool would it be to see your story on the big screen? Shoot, even the little screen? I am extremely thankful to be living in an era where we have YouTube, Vimeo, Facebook, VHX, Netflix, Hulu & other platforms that are readily & easily accessible to common folks like you and me. Platforms where we don’t have to pitch our ideas to major networks in order to be seen. We can be seen NOW! Everything is at our disposal.

And if big networks see our content, that’s great. Super fantastic. But how cool is it that they come to us for seeing our work…and not the other way around? I’m just saying. These…are…the…times.

Scheduling your FREE consultation is easy. Just email me @ HolliShortFilms@gmail.com with the subject heading “FREE CONSULTATION.” That’s it that’s all. Easy. I mean, who doesn’t like free stuff? I can’t think of not one person.

So…if you have an idea large or small, c’mon and give me a call  c’mon and shoot me an email. Like, what rhymes with email doe? Oh, I got it. If you have an idea you’d like to tell, go ‘head and shoot me an email, AAH-RUFFF. Remember when rap songs back in the day ended their rhymes with “AAH-RUFFF.” LOL. Funny to meeeee. And to think I wanted to be an emcee after learning I’ll Take Your Man by Salt N Pepa when I was 12 years old. I realized real quick that rapping wasn’t my gift.

Anyhoo… here are some of the projects I scripted:

 

And here is the synopsis of the Quick Script I’ll be working on soon:

On the eve of her 60th birthday, a woman who has seen it all, reminisces about her life as a teen mother of 3 kids by the age of 17, and what struggle, sacrifice, and favor looks like.

Please spread the word. Tell everyone you know who wants their story told.

I can’t wait to write your story!!!!

I Am A Pen | @phettehollins

In 1989, my 9th grade English teacher, Mr. Bowersox, introduced me to journaling. I used a calendar to document trivial things like, how much time I spent with my then, no-good boyfriend. I drew cute, little hearts to notate the times we had sex…

Related sidebar: Couldn’t just be blatantly writing that out for my mom’s eye to see. I even took up Speedwriting (modern day shorthand) in the 10th grade solely to encrypt my journals. I still use it every now & then.

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Speedwriting example. Yes, it’s a real thing.

…and I used X’s to track my periods. That’s pretty much all I journaled about until I graduated from high school.

I stopped Speedwriting in my journals because I decided that, when I die, I want my girls to see what mindset I was in at the time, and hopefully, understand me better, without having to decipher codes. Because…in between those ruled lines I bear everything! My emotions…my feelings…my indiscretions. I purge on the page.

I saw Tyler Perry on the Oprah Winfrey show in 2004. He talked about how writing was cathartic (first time I had heard this word) for him, and helped relieve the pain he’d experienced. So, he turned his pain into plays…books…movies…t.v. shows… Y’all know the rest.

In 2005, I was like “I got some thangs I think the world needs to hear.”  I started writing my autobiography, only to get discouraged a few pages in when I realized I wasn’t ready to be transparent and have folks all up in my business.

So….I did nothing. For 5 years. I was stuck.

I was still journaling while watching movies on Lifetime like “Really? I cooda did better than that.” Out of desperation, in 2010, I took to Facebook by writing the simple post:

I AM A WRITER!

My life shifted after that, just from writing those 4 words. A young woman I went to high school with sent me 2 books on screenwriting, which I didn’t seriously consider doing before and what would ultimately become my passion. Yes, I would yell at the t.v. after Lifetime movies, but never believed I could make a movie or anything remotely close…until I saw the web show The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl by Issa Rae.

I was introduced to my mentor Sylvia Hubbard; I joined her writing network and, one year later, in 2011, I self-published my 1st book of short stories.

There’s always time for storytelling. Remember when…or…Back in the day…or…Yesterday I….

As I began to write more, I noticed 2 universal emotions: LOVE & PAIN. We all need love and wanna know the secrets to get and keep it, and we’ve all experienced pain and wanna know how to heal from it. Stories help us with that.

“Everybody has a story inside of them.” -Oprah

Suddenly, it all made sense. As a youth, I was inquisitive. Now, some folks call it nosy but I don’t. ‘Cuz, see, there’s a difference, and here it is…

I don’t want to know your business just for the sake of knowing it; I want to know so that I can understand who YOU are.

The class clown…the bully…the obnoxiously loud chick…the super quiet kid…the neighborhood hoe…

Do you ever wonder why a person behaves the way (s)he does? Well….I do!

It all makes sense. It explains why I get along with most people, and even those that others have a propensity to gossip about & judge. It’s because I can see their (back) stories.

We all need love. We’ve all been hurt. That’s our connection. That’s what connects US.

I write to share.

I…AM…A…PEN!

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My tattoo of a quill pen, ink, and book

Why You CANNOT Date A Married Person | #GetNaked with #memes | @phettehollins

I like memes. They range from funny, to serious, to inspirational. You name it, there’s a meme for it.

So, I’ve decided to pull out the ones that speak to me the loudest and incorporate them into my #GetNaked segment. For those who don’t know, #GetNaked is a Movement. It’s about removing what hurts to experience a life that works. It’s about addressing those things that folks don’t wanna talk about but are very necessary in order to heal and move past them. Watch the short video HERE!!!

Pastor Marcus Gill

This….

This…right….

This…right…here…spoke to my core. Just wait a second. I’ma tell you why. You absolutely cannot date a married person because…I tried it and…trust me. You just can’t.

Hold your hisses, judgments, and tomatoes.

I straddle the fence when it comes to marriage and cheating and who’s to blame. Lots of folks blame the woman, the whore, the home wrecker, the Alicia Keys. However, that woman is not the one who stood at the Justice of the Peace or in that church and took those vows.

I sometimes operate in this mindset because…I’m single dinna mug and I can do whatever I want, right?

WWSD

Instead of asking What Would Jesus Do, I ask What Would Selina Do? I talked to my mom about everything. When I told her I liked girls she supported me. When I told her I liked boys, she said OK. And when I told her I liked girls again, she said she respected me for standing in my truth and not being ashamed of who I am. I did shock her a teeny bit 6 months ago when I professed I had a crush…on a BOY!

The initial shock didn’t last too long, but what did linger was her reaction to the fact that my boy crush is married. Yet, she didn’t judge me.

We talked about energy, and connections, and timing, and divine order. We also kicked it about growth (outgrowing and inner growth), (un)happiness, escapism, and love.

See, in the 3 years since I divorced my ex husband, I dated women only. Until HE stopped me dead in my tracks.

I’m Stevie Wonder To This

I wasn’t checking for no dudes. Noooo. I’m a lesbian, right?

WRONG!!!

Now, keep in mind I was getting hit on regularly by men. But I wasn’t trying to see that.

Here HE comes speaking my musical and intellectual languages.

Everything’s all good until it ain’t. All is good when you’re rapping verbatim to A Tribe Called Quest‘s Check The Rhyme and singing along to Tears For Fears’ Head Over Heels. All is not good when you wanna go somewhere in public or just chill and do nothing…with him…but CANNOT because it’s Sunday, and that’s “family” day.

Because I’m not ready for a relationship, I tweaked and justified and rationalized why seeing this married man was OK. But, the truth is…my spirit was in shambles.

OK, so, for reasons I do not care to discuss, I am choosing to leave religion out of this equation. Thank you very much, and just in case you’re itching to throw a verse at me!

I will say that even though I’m not the one who is in a committed relationship, I have a responsibility toooooo. Just because he’s not honoring his vows doesn’t mean I have to aid and abet. Do y’all see the aforementioned, invisible fence that I am straddling? I’m telling you. It keeps popping up, which is a SIGN.

Her Name is KARMA

The bottom line, the moral to the story, the point of it all is: You reap what you sow. You get what you give. Payback is a BIA BIA.

Reality Check

What Would Selina Do (WWSD)? Selina treated people the way they deserved to be treated. Though she didn’t pass judgment, she would not/did not condone my behavior. She was married and upheld her vows. While she wanted me to be happy and admired me standing in my truth, she didn’t want me involved with someone who wasn’t standing in theirs. It defeats this whole authenticity journey I’ve been on these past few years if I’m gon’ deal with someone who is living a lie. I’ve been there and done that and glad to have moved out.

If I do settle down and/or get married again, what type of mate will I get? What type of mate do I want? I know I don’t want a cheating one. So, if that’s the case, I need not direct that Karma beyotch anywhere my way.

We all fall short.

This is my #GetNaked. What’s yours?

L💜ve | #GetNaked with #memes | @phettehollins

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I like memes. They range from funny, to serious, to inspirational. You name it, there’s a meme for it.

So, I’ve decided to pull out the ones that speak to me the loudest and incorporate them into my #GetNaked segment. For those who don’t know, #GetNaked is a Movement. It’s about removing what hurts to experience a life that works. Watch the video HERE!!!

K, back to the meme. Why is it that we gravitate to the ones who are no good for us? While the ones who love our dirty underwear, we treat like crapola?

This spoke to me because, it’s no secret that I’ve made some poor mate choices. I spent a lot of time and energy on this one chick who gave zero dams about me. I was so busy ignoring the signs and making it a relationship that it clearly wasn’t.

Then, on the other hand, I divorced my husband (who loves me unconditionally), but I hurt him by mishandling the dissolution of our relationship. I could’ve handled it much better.

I’ve learned a lot from both situations.

This is my #GetNaked. What’s yours?

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