How the core wounds we get in childhood show up in our adult lives | #Day3of100

Over the last couple of years, I’ve been delving into Shadow Work. Reading up on anything I can get my hands on. If you’re not familiar, it’s a concept created by Carl Jung, a psychologist from back in the day, who believed that we all have a light side and a dark, shadow side to us.

It’s referred to as the shadow because it’s those parts of us that we don’t want others to see. We don’t want folks to know about. Mainly because somewhere along the way we were told that those things were “bad,” “wrong,” “not ladylike,” etc… So what we do is stuff it away and act like those traits don’t exist. But they can stay suppressed only for so long before they show up when least expected.

In essence, core wounds are those things that make us feel less than, not enough, inadequate. The website Loner Wolf does a superb job explaining this. Most often than not, we received these wounds as kids. When we’re kids, we’re not able to accurately process it when our parent(s) yell at us, or call us out of our names, or hits us one too many times. So, we internalize that to make it mean something is wrong with us, that we’re defective, unlovable. We don’t have the language to articulate it for what it is, which is that our parents are dealing with their own trauma and are unable to process it appropriately, thus misdirecting all of their anger and sadness.

I grew up an only child, with just my mom and I in the household from when I was 11 years old until I turned 18. From birth until 10 years old, we lived with other folks, which I won’t get into in this blog post. But what I will say is, living with a house full of folks was a welcome distraction from the attention I wasn’t getting from my mother. I didn’t feel the brunt of that until it was just she and I living together, solo dolo.

I’ve written about this several times before that my mother was emotionally unavailable and my father was both physically and emotionally vacant. This created a host of issues for me, many that I’m still unpacking to this day, and I’m 46 years old.

Because I was ignored by mom, I developed this huge core wound of not feeling seen and heard. This led to me doing all sorts of things to get attention, from getting pregnant at 14 and again at 17 to becoming a promiscuous adult and giving up my body to anyone who I felt “saw” me.

And that’s not it. Trauma doesn’t just show up in one area; it spills into other areas of your life as well. It showed up at work in the form of challenging any and everybody who I felt was criticizing me. I yelled and would cuss folks out because I needed to be heard dammit. I had my hair died fuchsia in the 10th grade, I have over 20 tattoos, and I used to have a slew of piercings. I needed to be seen dammit.

Even though I’ve done some healing, I still get triggered by some things, for instance, when I feel like I’m not being heard and seen. It takes me back to that little girl who was vying for her mother’s attention. Because of the extensive work I’ve been doing on healing myself, I know that I have to dive headfirst into why this still affects me so.

Thais Gibson of The Personal Development School says that emotions are feedback. They’re there to help us ask the important questions like what are you here to teach me; what are you trying to tell me? I have this guy friend who, no matter what I say or how many times I say a thing he just doesn’t listen. And it pisses me the hell off!!!

He’ll ask me the same thing a gazillion times. When I repeat myself, he will turn around minutes later and ask again as if he didn’t just ask the same thing moments ago. When I call him out on it he says that I’m blowing things out of proportion and that it’s not a big deal or that I never gave him a straight answer.

According to shadow work, because this still triggers me, it is a clear sign that I still have work to do. We are all mirror images of each other, reflecting and projecting our traumas and perspectives on to another. The way I can heal this is by questioning the meaning that I’m giving to the story, the incident, or the event. What am I making it mean?

For instance, when said friend acts like he doesn’t remember what I said or ignores what I said, I make that to mean that I am unimportant, that he doesn’t HEAR me. Then I ask 3 questions:

  1. In what area(s) of my life am I ignoring myself?
  2. Who’s in my life that I’m ignoring?
  3. In what ways am I ignoring the person who triggered this event?

Because, like I said before, we’re all reflections of each other and can learn a lot about ourselves simply by the interactions we have.

If you want to learn more about shadow work, I’ve found Debbie Ford’s books The Dark side of the Light Chasers & The Secret of the Shadow to be quite helpful. They’ve definitely helped me on my journey.

Until next time…

Healing Wounds | #ConsistenPhe #Day2of100

Courtesy of @moonlyapp

I’ve moved around A LOT as an adult. No place ever felt like home. I now know that that’s bcz I was unsettled in my spirit. It didn’t matter if I was in a big house, small house, apartment, or townhome, nowhere ever felt…right.

Folks judge me bcz of it & I hi-key used to have some embarrassment & shame about it, too. But, here’s the thing, we never know what people are really going through. Folks only show you what they want you to see…bcz if we’re being judged by the superficial shit, imagine what folks would think if they truly knew the real deal.

That’s why it’s important to have people around that will pour into you, support you, SEE YOU…have grace, empathy, understanding.

I moved into a new place last week, which makes this my 6th time moving in 8 years &, I must say that my soul finally feels at ease, settled. I returned to my childhood neighborhood, the place where I inherited, acquired wounds around scarcity, poverty, lack, & money. This was designed so that I could do what I’m always preaching, which is to #HealThatShit.

Sitting on top of the cardboard box | #ConsistenPhe #Day1of100

The message that’s in my spirit today is thinking outside the box. We hear it all of the time & maybe even feel like we are doing so. I know I did. I’m always talking about authenticity & being true to yourself & be you & do you…but guess what? These last several months, I’ve been struggling. Struggling with the age old question: WHO AM I? Crazy, right? Crazy bcz I’ve been showing up on this blog fervently, albeit, intermittently these last 10 years. Sharing my stories, opening up, being a little bit transparent. Meaning, I’ve definitely got more work to do but I’m willing to do it 💪🏾

But lately, I’ve been stifled, stuck. Feeling like an imposter. Mainly bcz I’ve been trying to put what I do neatly into a box. Looking at folks on social media who are actors, writers, coaches, or those who are able to say with specificity who they are & what they do. This took me down the comparison rabbit hole.

I am a Writer, an Intuitive Life Coach, a Consultant, a Messenger, a Healer, a Connector…all the things. In a nutshell —-I’m a Multi-hyphenate, like Debbie Allen & so many others. A friend of mine tagged me in the speech Mrs. Allen gave at the Emmys, saying that it’s our time to shine, step up, show up. That message couldn’t have come at a more divine time.

But as you can see, all of those titles take up a lot of space in an Instagram bio &, according to strategists & marketing gurus, you must state clearly in ONE WORD who you are & what you do in 100 characters or less. This has been stressing me the fuck out & causing me to question myself, shrink, hide, minimize.

Then I told myself that it’s more than ok to be exactly who I am. It’s ok to be all the things & to not let society or anyone tell me who to be or how I should be packaged. All I have to do is show up & own all that is me, unapologetically!

If you’re also multi-passionate & multi-talented & have been doubting your gifts, dimming your light, trying to stuff your YOUness in a perfect little box remember this:

Give yourself permission to be creative, to express & to try on all the things without guilt or shame. Be the you that only you can be.

Until next time…

Is Sex Overrated?🤔

The Brown Beauties are BAACCCCKKKK!!!

Hey there heeeyyyy,

If you’ve been following me for some time then you’ll remember when I had a LIVE show on Facebook called Brown Beauties Talk.

It’s a show my good friend Lavyana & I created where we talked about not only being single & dating but also love, life & relationships.

The show took off ✈ So fast that we got overwhelmed & couldn’t keep up with the demand.

But, over the years, folks couldn’t stop talking about it so we thought 🤔…maybe we should bring BBT back.

After mulling it over for 2 1/2 years, we decided to do just that!!!!

Both Lavyana & I have been working, individually on ourselves while simultaneously building our business & brand. I am excited that we can now show up fully for yall, our peeps, our family, our tribe in our greatest expression as Intimacy Coaches & Sensual Doulas (doesn’t that sound sexy 😉)? Because, at the end of the day, we just want to help women heal our wombs so that we can get the love & life we WANT…

We did a soft launch last week that was well received. It felt good to get the energy & love from yall 💜💛💜

We’re going LIVE TUH-NIGHT on Facebook to discuss SEX & all its taboo’ness & to see what yall have to say about whether or not it’s overrated. This is going to be juicy!

Join us @7pm EST on my personal Facebook page.

Copyright © 2021 inHer Lens Media LLC, All rights reserved.

Brown Beauties Talk is BAAACCCKKKK!!!

NEW look/location for the Journey to Becoming Podcast

The Journey to Becoming podcast has a NEW location. It’s still on the Anchor platform but also has been integrated into my website. I created another Anchor account to do so. So, going forward, the podcast will be housed on my website AND HERE —

Healing Made Simple — Starter Kit

The question I get asked a lot is where does one start in their healing journey.

So, I created some tools that have helped me along the way.

Download here: Healing Made Simple Starter Kit

Author Chat w/ @sylviahubbard1

Black Horror, Lovecraft Country, Racism, & being a Black filmmaker| Interview w/Kimberly Batchelor Davis | #LovecraftCountry #blackhorror

Me & Kim B. Davis

I had theee absolute best time on Kimberly Batchelor Davis’ The Kim B. Davis Show. We talked about Black horror, Lovecraft Country, & being a Black filmmaker today. Some good stuff.

Check out the Full Interview on YouTube here!

And, if you’re more of a listener, here’s the Podcast version.

Chakra Series: The Crown |by Phette Hollins

We made it, part 7 of 7 in the Chakra Series.

I hope you got a chance to check out the other videos in the series. If not, worry not. You can watch them all HERE!

Let me know what you thought about the series. I hope it brought awareness and enlightenment🧘🏿‍♀️

Until next time…

The Crown Chakra

The Crown Chakra
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